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purging....

Posted by missophelia , 07 October 2012 · 66 views

I feel like I am purging, by writing out this list of beliefs I have identified in therapy. I feel a need to write them down onto paper, so to say. To list them, maybe as a way to help myself start to see and feel them differently.

Anyway, here is another portion of my list.

I don't trust men
The world is not a safe place
I have no control over myself
I have no control over what happens around me or over others
I don't trust men in uniform, they are not safe
If I don't stay on guard, I will get hurt
I have no power over someone who wants to hurt me
If I let someone in, when they get to know me they won't want to be with me or get close to me
I cannot trust anyone to let them get close to me

More to come.

Too bad I don't feel like I'm really purging here. At least, not with the way I feel deep down inside of me. And I know, it's going to take time with all of these beliefs I have. None of them are going to change over night. I just don't know how I'm supposed to go about really changing them.

I'll have to talk to Dr K about that.

I'm still feeling quite a bit depressed. I spent another day, today, doing not much of anything. I can't get myself painting. Only down in the art room at the VA. It's a good thing I have that place. It forces me to get out, be social, and paint. Left to my own devices here at home, that isn't happening. I just sit here.

Which makes me feel like a failure. I know I need to give myself a break. I know I'm depressed, and that I'm trying. But I just feel like an epic fail. I've got this painting I'm doing for my grandson, and I can't even get myself to work on it. And I have something to sew for him, that I should have ready for when he is born, which could be any moment now.

But I can't get myself to do it. I sit here, and say to myself, get it done. But that isn't working.

Anyway, thank you for reading, and I hope you all have a good evening.



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missophelia
Oct 08 2012 02:45 PM
Untangling

I'm sorry that you can relate to those things. I am glad though, that they have softened for you. And knowing they have softened for you gives me hope that that can happen for me, too.

I will keep at it, I will just have to. And give it time.

I think I put a lot on myself, and don't allow myself a break. I expect myself to be perfect, or something? And I forget that I'm fighting this depression, which zaps just about everything from me. So maybe I can stop pressuring myself. I don't know. I struggle with doing kind things for myself, but I can try.

Thanks, my friend. I'm thinking of you, too. :hug: :hug:

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    Blog Warning

    This is a blog of my feelings, my emotions, my joys, my sorrows, my thoughts, my struggles as I heal. All raw and real. I am not censoring my blog, so please take gentle care of you.

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