be brave, missophelia...
My days have been a little up and down since I last blogged. I'm still struggling with depression. I'm still struggling with urges to SI, and with suicidal thoughts. And I'm still struggling with wanting to give up. But I don't think I can do that.
Confronting the beliefs I have identified in therapy is hard. It is painful. Sometimes I feel like I've stepped back, and I'm observing at a distance. Sometimes, I feel so close to them that the pain is overwhelming.
But I think that writing them out, and examining them again and again, in a strange way, is helping me.
The work it takes to change my beliefs, is a task of gigantic proportions. And sometimes, when I look at that list, I end up feeling like there is absolutely no way I can see any of those beliefs any differently. And that's when I get to feeling like I will never make progress, or get better, or heal.
But I am healing. I have made progress. Although I have my times when I can't see it, I know I have. I am. Healing. Progressing. I think me realizing that what he said about me deserving it, and how it was my fault, that all of that was crap. I think that shows progress, which can only bring about healing.
The list I identified in therapy is pretty long, so here is another portion of it.
I'm disgusting and filthy
I liked it, getting fucked in the dirt
I'm a dirty slut
Getting fucked is all I'm good for
I wanted him inside of me
I needed to be reminded of what I was and would always be
I am all of those things he said I was
If I tell what happened, people will see that I am what he said I was
Lots more to come.
These ones are tough. All of these things he said to me, they were much more than him just putting the blame on me, him telling me I deserved it, making it my fault. These ones cut right to the heart of me. Right to the inner me, to my psyche. To my core. I hear them when I look in the mirror. Most times I can't look in the mirror.
And yet, I think they do tie in to the self blame. Somehow, they make me feel culpable. Like I took a part in it. I liked...I wanted.
This was hard, writing this out. I just hope I can be brave enough, strong enough, to work on feeling and believing differently than all of these messages he pounded into my core.
Thanks for reading, everyone, and have a good night.