I had therapy today. It was a very hard session. Part of my homework last week was to do some writing. Today I had to read that writing to Dr K. It was painful.
The parts that had to do with my self esteem, or lack of it. Very hard, very painful. Dr K and I will be working on my self esteem, among other things.
At one point while I was reading to her, I almost totally broke down. I cried harder than I have in quite a while. Maybe it's because I've been holding many tears inside? I don't know.
We talked quite a bit about my being depressed, about my feeling overwhelmed. She says a lot of that is normal, considering the trauma processing work I've been doing. But she said I am doing it, I am to be commended for being brave and actually doing the work.
I also talked about the last blog I posted here, a couple of days ago. I will be posting more of my list of beliefs I am working on. I believe that what I posted this last time has helped me.
I went back and read over what I wrote last time. The list of beliefs that I have and the blame I put on myself for being raped. And the things he said to me as far as me getting what I deserved. How I didn't do more than I did do to try and get away from him.
But I realize that I did what I had to do in order to survive. I think I can wish all I want that I could have fought him off, but I know that, at the point when I stopped fighting him, it was what I had to do to survive.
And I think I am finally starting to be able to believe that the things he said to me were crap. I didn't do anything to deserve being raped. And it was his fault. And I've been so hard on myself. And that is huge.
And it is all making me cry.
But maybe right now I need to cry?
I know part of it is my depression, the crying. But I think maybe it's also partly me coming to terms with how wrong I've been, how horrible I've been to myself, to blame myself and put it all on myself.
And maybe when this revelation sinks in, it will help me be able to move on and work on other things.
Like my self esteem.
I hope everyone here has a wonderful evening.