Pandora's Aquarium: laundry list... - Pandora's Aquarium

I've been very quiet on here lately. Awhile back, I went through a period where the mere thought of blogging gave me such anxiety. Odd, since at one point I blogged every day, for almost two years straight. Lately, I've found myself filled with that anxiety again at the thought of blogging here or on tumblr.

I've also been struggling with some pretty bad depression. And the past couple days, anxiety throughout the day being thrown in. But, there are some positives. Which sounds weird, me typing that, because lately I've been anything but positive.

I am working on my painting for my grandson, although I now have my doubts that it will be done before he is born. But, I can only do what I can do.

I am working on a painting at the VA. That is going well.

I am learning a new piece on the piano. Beethoven's Sonata Pathetique. 17 pages of music. I'm loving it. And, my music therapist is impressed with my progress.

I am still doing trauma processing, and I have become kind of overwhelmed. The homework is so much harder than I ever thought it would be. And I have done a lot of it. And I think I need to spend more time talking about it. I don't think I'm getting enough of that right now. I see Dr K Tuesday. I will talk to her about how I feel regarding that.

So, here's some of my homework. Maybe it will help to share it here. And what I am going to share is long, so I can't do it all in one blog.

I have a list of beliefs that I am working on. These are very hard for me to work on. They are very negative, and I realize that. They are also very painful. Trying to come to terms with how I feel, that by itself is something I am struggling with, let alone trying to work on changing any of them or seeing them in a different way.

So, here I am, sharing some of them.

I'm to blame for being raped
I was a disgrace in uniform
If I hadn't gotten into trouble then I wouldn't have been raped
I deserved being raped
I should have been more careful
I should have run or fought
I should have gone to the guy on the quarterdeck
I should have fought harder and gotten away
I should have known he was going to rape me
I got exactly what I deserved

Lots more to come.

It's funny (well, maybe not funny), how I can read those, and the logical mind inside of me knows they aren't true. But how do you fight the feelings, because that's what they are. So deeply ingrained inside of me. The way I feel about myself. The way I can blame myself, and hate myself.

It is so hard.

And so was writing here tonight.

Thanks for reading, and everyone have a great night.