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he's just a....

Posted by missophelia , 19 September 2012 · 35 views


It feels like I have the weight of the world on my shoulders. I feel a little overwhelmed. Feeling depressed. Anxiety. Trauma processing.

Yesterday, Dr K tried to get me to promise to call her if I need to. I told her I would try if I really need to. I just don't know if I can. When I get to the point where I really want to SI, I tend to shut down and not want to talk to anyone.

Struggling with my art again, which is only adding to all of the ways that I'm feeling.

Struggling with just about everything right now, as far as being motivated. It seems I've fallen back into just sitting here doing nothing.

I'm also extremely tired, and I'm not sure if that has anything to do with how I'm feeling emotionally, and how I'm dealing with trauma processing.

And how I'm dealing with the trauma processing, in my mind, is not great. I don't feel like I'm making much progress.

Yesterday, in my session, we talked about his words. The things he said. The way that makes me feel about myself. The beliefs I have about myself. The self blame, the way I hate myself. How I have taken to heart all of those things he said I was, all of those things he said I wanted. The fact that I was getting what I deserved.

And Dr K said something. She has said it before. But she said it again, and I've been thinking about it.

He's just a rapist. Why would I believe anything a rapist would say. Also, what could I possibly do that would mean I deserved being raped. And why is it so easy for me to believe that no one could ever do anything that would mean they deserve to be raped, but when it comes to me, I believe that about myself, that I deserved being raped? Just because he said so?

In a way, all of that is overwhelming, when I think about it. And in another way, seeing myself as anything other than what he said I was, that terrifies me. To let myself feel good about me, that scares the crap out of me. It's painful, to think that for all of these years, I've listened to what a disgusting, monster of a rapist had to say about me. How horrible I've been to myself to take all of what he said and taken it to heart, and really believed it.

It makes me want to cry.

It also makes that hatred I have for myself somehow seem to deepen.

Which seems just totally insane.

But I know that what Dr K said, somewhere inside of me, I know that that is true.

I just need to find a way to really really believe it. More than I believe all of what he said.

It seems so huge.

Sep 20 2012 07:03 PM
As difficult as this is to do, try not to beat yourself up over this. I know saying that probably doesn't do much and I know it will take a lot of time for you to get there, I do understand that. From where I sit, as painful as it is that you listened to him, there's a reason you did - it was part of survival. It's what we do to "justify" what happened to us. We blame ourselves in an effort to have control over our lives. What happened was completely out of our control; if we blame ourselves that gives us the illusion that we had a part in the situation, and that therefore means we had control. The self-blame is universal, it's a means of coping.

I hope you can make that call to Dr. K when you are struggling. Calling my therapist between sessions was really hard for me at first but she kept telling me it was ok and that she really wanted me to call. Being able to call has helped me through my toughest times. I hope you can manage it, you deserve the support.

You sound like you could really do with some hugs, so sending you lots :hug: :hug:
Sep 21 2012 05:18 PM

Thank you for all you say. And thank you for the hugs. Yeah, I think I can use them.

As for calling when I need to, I'm working on that.

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    Blog Warning

    This is a blog of my feelings, my emotions, my joys, my sorrows, my thoughts, my struggles as I heal. All raw and real. I am not censoring my blog, so please take gentle care of you.

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    Pandora's Aquarium, Inc. is not intended to be a substitute for professional assistance. All members and visitors are encouraged to establish a relationship with a trained counselor, therapist, or psychiatrist. Pandora's Aquarium, Inc. offers rape and sexual abuse survivor-to-survivor support only. Despite any qualifications staff or members possess, they are not engaged in a professional relationship with any other member. Survivors in crisis are urged to seek local help by contacting 911 or their local rape crisis center. Use of this website constitutes acceptance of the Terms of Service located here.