he's just a....
It feels like I have the weight of the world on my shoulders. I feel a little overwhelmed. Feeling depressed. Anxiety. Trauma processing.
Yesterday, Dr K tried to get me to promise to call her if I need to. I told her I would try if I really need to. I just don't know if I can. When I get to the point where I really want to SI, I tend to shut down and not want to talk to anyone.
Struggling with my art again, which is only adding to all of the ways that I'm feeling.
Struggling with just about everything right now, as far as being motivated. It seems I've fallen back into just sitting here doing nothing.
I'm also extremely tired, and I'm not sure if that has anything to do with how I'm feeling emotionally, and how I'm dealing with trauma processing.
And how I'm dealing with the trauma processing, in my mind, is not great. I don't feel like I'm making much progress.
Yesterday, in my session, we talked about his words. The things he said. The way that makes me feel about myself. The beliefs I have about myself. The self blame, the way I hate myself. How I have taken to heart all of those things he said I was, all of those things he said I wanted. The fact that I was getting what I deserved.
And Dr K said something. She has said it before. But she said it again, and I've been thinking about it.
He's just a rapist. Why would I believe anything a rapist would say. Also, what could I possibly do that would mean I deserved being raped. And why is it so easy for me to believe that no one could ever do anything that would mean they deserve to be raped, but when it comes to me, I believe that about myself, that I deserved being raped? Just because he said so?
In a way, all of that is overwhelming, when I think about it. And in another way, seeing myself as anything other than what he said I was, that terrifies me. To let myself feel good about me, that scares the crap out of me. It's painful, to think that for all of these years, I've listened to what a disgusting, monster of a rapist had to say about me. How horrible I've been to myself to take all of what he said and taken it to heart, and really believed it.
It makes me want to cry.
It also makes that hatred I have for myself somehow seem to deepen.
Which seems just totally insane.
But I know that what Dr K said, somewhere inside of me, I know that that is true.
I just need to find a way to really really believe it. More than I believe all of what he said.
It seems so huge.