self preservation mode...
I feel like I'm in self preservation mode tonight.
I feel like I'm just hanging on, trying to convince myself that it will be ok. That I will be ok.
My mind keeps going to dark places, and then my feelings follow.
I keep trying to convince myself that I need to keep doing the things I've learned, since I started therapy, that help me.
Even when most times lately I feel like they are futile. Like I am just fooling myself. That none of it really matters, not at all.
I'm not in any kind of danger from myself tonight. Not physically, that is. But my thoughts and feelings are. Because I try and I try to believe all of the good that others say about me, and I try and I try to combat all of those things he said about me. The things he said I was. The things he said I liked and wanted.
And as hard as I try, I still haven't found the way to feel about myself that I have value, and that I deserve every good thing and that I deserve to be happy. And I don't know if it's supposed to be like some kind of eureka moment, or what.
But I do keep trying, for whatever that's worth.
I just wish I wasn't struggling so much, and that struggling wasn't sending my thoughts and feelings into such darkness.