no miracle cure...
I had therapy today. My session was ok. It was hard, but not nearly as intense and painful as last week. We talked about a lot of things.
Mostly about feelings and beliefs I have that have to do with me blaming myself for being raped, me feeling like I deserved being raped. We also talked about safety issues.
How I always keep myself on guard. If I don't, I will get hurt. Such is how I feel and believe.
Some of the homework I have been doing is dealing with some of those feelings and beliefs of mine.
Anyway, we were going over my homework, and I said something to Dr K. That, while working on the homework helps me to see things differently, which is a good thing, it seems that, later on, or even the next day, I end up feeling and thinking the way I did before I started my homework.
We talked about that. We talked about the real fact that the rapes will always be there. No matter how much healing work I do, they are a part of my story.
But I don't have to let them define me.
Someday, on that one...
And, to some extent, the feelings and beliefs I have as a result of being raped, they will always be there, too. Maybe not to the intensity that I experience them now. But they will be there.
So, it seems that what we are working toward with this trauma processing, is to get me to the point where the rapes don't affect every single area of my life, like they do now.
To give me tools I can use so that I can cope with the feelings and beliefs I hold inside of me as a result of being raped.
On the surface, it doesn't sound all that positive that I will always experience these feelings and beliefs on some level. No, this trauma processing is not a miracle cure. I won't simply be “all better”.
But below the surface, it seems like some good goals for me to work toward.
Here's hoping that I can keep those positives in mind.