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why bother...

Posted by missophelia , 29 August 2012 · 35 views

My tumblr blog post for the evening, if anyone cares to read.


I wonder why I even bother anymore. I just want to give up so badly.

Tonight, I am full of self hatred, and self blame. And thinking that I wouldn't be here and where I am tonight if I wasn't such a freaking idiot. If I was worth something.

Tonight, I could give a crap how much I am hurting.

And tonight, I refuse to cry.

Sitting here with you missophelia :hug:
I wish things were not so hard for you my friend. You are hurting so badly you can't see how much value you have. It won't always be this way. Things will get better. Your strength and courage have served you well. Hang on. Sending you light and healing.

Much love! :hug: :hug: :hug:

thinking of you, and sorry you are hurting so much.
Aug 30 2012 12:20 AM
Thinking of you, MissOphelia. I'm sorry you are hurting so much, but you are worth some-thing and you do matter. I know they sound like empty words right now, but hope you will some-day see the truth in those words.

Take good care of your-self. You will get through this darkness.
The hardest part is 'believing' that we are "worth something". And it's only when we do, that we will be willing to fight for ourselves, and things will get better. Try to remember your self-hatred/self-blame are part of the current belief-system you are feeding yourself that tells you 'you have something to feel guilty/bad about'. You don't. NO ONE deserved to be raped. It does not matter the circumstance or situation...your abuser should have known better! So direct your anger at him/her, NEVER at yourself. Also, the thing about belief-systems is that everything we experience in every new second is 'filtered' through them. This makes it very difficult for positive beliefs to take root when you have a negative belief-system about ourselves because every compliment you receive, every good thought you might muster up about yourself, will eventually-if-not-automatically GET THROWN OUT! The only way to counter this problem is by replacing your current negative belief-system (i.e. positivity rejected, negativity accepted) with a positive belief-system (i.e. negativity rejected, positivity accepted). You must change the rules you follow in your head! I use an 'opposites' method for this. For example, whenever you have thoughts/words like "I am worthless." OR "I am 'a freaking idiot'." OR "I make bad choices." exchange them instead with their OPPOSITES like "I have worth." OR "I am intelligent." OR "I make good choices." Start a HABIT of repeating these new positive mantras in your head daily, and soon you will 'train yourself' to have a positive belief-system. The importance of this is that our thoughts/words are VERY POWERFUL in sculpting our reality! Whenever we 'believe' something, we inadvertently ACT upon it. For instance, if we believe things like 'I am a failure', we will ACT in ways that are self-defeating (e.g. fear of trying new things, inability to follow through on goals, etc.). Similarly, if we believe things like 'I am a success', we will begin to ACT in ways that are self-gratifying (e.g. courage to try new things, determination to finish goals, etc.). The reason this happens is because our 'subconscious' MIND always obeys whatever our 'conscious' MIND is telling it (i.e. belief-system). FACT. Your subconscious-self WILL NOT contradict/argue/fight what your conscious-self is telling it--it just always only conforms! So any information you give yourself, about yourself, MATTERS. Therefore, in the future, try using the 'opposites' method each time a 'negative' thought enters your head, or 'negative' words escape your mouth about yourself. For example, if you're used to chatting with your friend over lunch about what "a freaking idiot" you are or how you 'make bad choices', future lunch dates will include your sharing instead your NEW beliefs about yourself with this friend (e.g. I am intelligent. I make good choices.). And after awhile, it will become effortless and you will begin to 'act' in ways that support this new POSITIVE belief-system about yourself. Good luck!
Sep 02 2012 10:45 PM

Thanks for all you say. I am working on it.
Sep 04 2012 04:15 AM
Nice to meet you too, c_s. It really is easy to fall back into it. But I think it's important that we keep working on it. Eventually it will get better, yes.

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    Blog Warning

    This is a blog of my feelings, my emotions, my joys, my sorrows, my thoughts, my struggles as I heal. All raw and real. I am not censoring my blog, so please take gentle care of you.

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