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I had my session yesterday, and I wanted to write about it last night. But when I finally got home, I was just plain exhausted. My session was horribly hard. This morning, I felt like I'd been beaten up. Every part of my body hurt.
The past few days in particular, I've been struggling. And Dr K could tell that when I walked into her office. So we spent some time talking about how I've been feeling.
Then we started talking about his words.
Shame.
I don't think that until recently I realized just how much shame has impacted the way I feel. His words fill me with a shame that is overwhelming. Painfully overwhelming.
So, we talked about his words. We read them over. I spoke them again. She spoke some of them.
I haven't cried that much in therapy in a long time.
And then we talked some about how those words have affected me. How they make me feel. All the ways they make me feel. All of the things I believe about myself, because of his words.
And there were points during my session that I just wanted to make the words go away.
Dr K said that she understands that the work I am doing is very hard. And she says I am doing really good, working really hard.
I guess that's some kind of consolation.
And today is the anniversary of the night he raped me orally, behind the gym.
The past few days in particular, I've been struggling. And Dr K could tell that when I walked into her office. So we spent some time talking about how I've been feeling.
Then we started talking about his words.
Shame.
I don't think that until recently I realized just how much shame has impacted the way I feel. His words fill me with a shame that is overwhelming. Painfully overwhelming.
So, we talked about his words. We read them over. I spoke them again. She spoke some of them.
I haven't cried that much in therapy in a long time.
And then we talked some about how those words have affected me. How they make me feel. All the ways they make me feel. All of the things I believe about myself, because of his words.
And there were points during my session that I just wanted to make the words go away.
Dr K said that she understands that the work I am doing is very hard. And she says I am doing really good, working really hard.
I guess that's some kind of consolation.
And today is the anniversary of the night he raped me orally, behind the gym.
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This is a blog of my feelings, my emotions, my joys, my sorrows, my thoughts, my struggles as I heal. All raw and real. I am not censoring my blog, so please take gentle care of you.
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Thank you for being so encouraging.