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I feel like the weakest person in the world. And I know it's because I'm struggling, and I know I'm getting really down on myself. Beating myself up.
Last night wasn't good. I had a really bad nightmare. Like it was happening again, that night behind the building. And his words, I heard them over and over in my nightmare.
And then, I woke up, and I didn't really sleep again the rest of the night.
Today, I was tired.
Something I remember, about that night, about the words he spoke to me.
His voice was full of anger. But there's something else, too.
When he spoke, especially those words that I had so much trouble writing, but that I was able to say to Dr K, when he spoke them, besides the anger, there was something else.
The way he said them was almost romantic. That's the best way I can describe it. Almost loving, like instead of him raping me, we were both enjoying the night. Almost like, we were making love.
But still, that anger was there.
It makes me sick to my core, remembering that way he said those words. It makes me want to puke. But at the same time, it makes me feel even more dirty and disgusting. And, disgusted with him, too.
I just want to die of shame. And I don't know how I deal with that feeling.
I got some of the homework done for tomorrow's session. But some of it I have struggled with. And some of it I just haven't been able to concentrate on. Or maybe I just don't understand it. Which leaves me feeling like a freaking idiot.
I am hoping that being in the art room and playing piano will help how I am feeling.
Last night wasn't good. I had a really bad nightmare. Like it was happening again, that night behind the building. And his words, I heard them over and over in my nightmare.
And then, I woke up, and I didn't really sleep again the rest of the night.
Today, I was tired.
Something I remember, about that night, about the words he spoke to me.
His voice was full of anger. But there's something else, too.
When he spoke, especially those words that I had so much trouble writing, but that I was able to say to Dr K, when he spoke them, besides the anger, there was something else.
The way he said them was almost romantic. That's the best way I can describe it. Almost loving, like instead of him raping me, we were both enjoying the night. Almost like, we were making love.
But still, that anger was there.
It makes me sick to my core, remembering that way he said those words. It makes me want to puke. But at the same time, it makes me feel even more dirty and disgusting. And, disgusted with him, too.
I just want to die of shame. And I don't know how I deal with that feeling.
I got some of the homework done for tomorrow's session. But some of it I have struggled with. And some of it I just haven't been able to concentrate on. Or maybe I just don't understand it. Which leaves me feeling like a freaking idiot.
I am hoping that being in the art room and playing piano will help how I am feeling.
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Thank you.
Blessings, love and lots of
Thank you.
Thank you.