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the struggle within...

Posted by missophelia , 13 August 2012 · 71 views

My tumblr blog post for the evening, if anyone cares to read.

http://artlifehealing.tumblr.com/

How can I write here? How can I blog?

Such anxiety I get. Every time I sit down to try and write and post here.

I just get filled with this feeling that if I let anyone know what I am thinking, any part of who I really am, that they will be as disgusted with me as I am with myself.

The trauma processing work is bringing up such memories, and feelings, and thoughts I struggle with about myself.

And I keep hearing his words over and over.

My homework this week has been to write one part of my story, of that night behind the building, of the words he spoke to me. Words I was not able to write when I first wrote in detail of that night, in my blog here.

And why did I take to heart in such a huge way, every single word he spoke to me. Why do I still take them to heart, and believe them?

As I write now, I have such anxiety. I will try and be brave and post this.

But seriously, does anyone understand how I can hate myself so much? Dr K listens, and I am very happy with her. She is good to me. But I know she doesn't understand. Not really. How could she?

I don't think she struggles with feelings of self hatred.

And that's just one part of what this trauma processing is stirring up inside of me. Just this horrible, super strong feeling of self hatred.

And at the same time, I have tears when I write about how I feel and think of myself. It all feels like way too much.

Not much else to say about it tonight. There's this huge part of me right now that wants to just not post this. But I guess I will. What do I have to lose?

And what does it really matter anyway?



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Untangling-It-All
Aug 14 2012 01:53 PM
I think you have been really brave posting this despite the anxiety. I know how hard it is to leave something up when the anxiety is there, and I hope your anxiety has lessened some.

I am sorry you are having such a hard time right now. No matter what he said to you, those words are not true. I know they aren't true because he was very violent and aggressive with you. Those words were aimed to attack and hurt you as much as he possibly could. It's as if you have absorbed them as the truth somehow, and this is where all the self-hatred is coming from. He poisoned you with his words.

I am listening. Thinking of you :hug:
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missophelia
Aug 14 2012 05:45 PM
Untangling

I don't feel brave at all, but thank you for saying that, for seeing it in me. My anxiety isn't as bad as it was yesterday.

It is just so hard, because I have absorbed his words as the truth about me. I've lived for so long believing deep down inside all that he said, I just really don't know how to believe any differently about myself. Dr K is helping me, but it just feels so huge and overwhelming, trying to confront his words and stand up against them.

Thank you for listening. And for thinking of me.
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Untangling-It-All
Aug 16 2012 04:14 PM
His words are not the truth. His words are poison and nothing but lies. With Dr. K's help I know you can change things. Don't give up, okay? In time and with work it won't be so overwhelming :hug:

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This is a blog of my thoughts, my feelings, my happiness, my pain, my joy, my sorrow, all raw and real. I am not censoring my blog, so please take gentle care of your self.

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    Blog Warning

    This is a blog of my feelings, my emotions, my joys, my sorrows, my thoughts, my struggles as I heal. All raw and real. I am not censoring my blog, so please take gentle care of you.

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