the struggle within...
How can I write here? How can I blog?
Such anxiety I get. Every time I sit down to try and write and post here.
I just get filled with this feeling that if I let anyone know what I am thinking, any part of who I really am, that they will be as disgusted with me as I am with myself.
The trauma processing work is bringing up such memories, and feelings, and thoughts I struggle with about myself.
And I keep hearing his words over and over.
My homework this week has been to write one part of my story, of that night behind the building, of the words he spoke to me. Words I was not able to write when I first wrote in detail of that night, in my blog here.
And why did I take to heart in such a huge way, every single word he spoke to me. Why do I still take them to heart, and believe them?
As I write now, I have such anxiety. I will try and be brave and post this.
But seriously, does anyone understand how I can hate myself so much? Dr K listens, and I am very happy with her. She is good to me. But I know she doesn't understand. Not really. How could she?
I don't think she struggles with feelings of self hatred.
And that's just one part of what this trauma processing is stirring up inside of me. Just this horrible, super strong feeling of self hatred.
And at the same time, I have tears when I write about how I feel and think of myself. It all feels like way too much.
Not much else to say about it tonight. There's this huge part of me right now that wants to just not post this. But I guess I will. What do I have to lose?
And what does it really matter anyway?