on death and dying...
I have started my homework for this coming week. It is very hard. Writing about that night behind the building. It is bring up so much.
Today has not been good for me. My writing is bringing up all sorts of stuff. Today was horrible at the VA. I felt very jumpy and anxious around the men that were in the waiting room while I was waiting for my travel pay.
My writing is also bringing up other stuff. The way I really was convinced that I was going to die that night. And just stuff like how I have wanted to die at different times. And then all of this other stuff has added to how I've been feeling today. I have one of my clients, whose husband is dying of pancreatic cancer. And another of my clients, his brother has brain cancer, and his dog has bone cancer. And when I got to my job this afternoon, I found out that last weekend he had to have his dog put to sleep. The dog went downhill really fast.
I've been close to tears for most of the day. Finding out about the dog made me feel worse.
And now that I've been doing the writing, I can't get his words out of my head. I hate this! I hate him!
I just feel so far from being any kind of strong person right now. It feels like there's too much death going on around me. I am close to these people I just wrote about. And with the writing I'm doing, it's just all getting lumped up together, and I'm not really sure how to handle most of it right now.