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so hard...

Posted by missophelia , 24 July 2012 · 19 views

Here is my tumblr blog post for the evening, if anyone cares to read.


I had therapy today. Most of my session was ok, but parts of it were hard. We went over my homework, and parts of doing that were hard. I basically had to pick something from each day and write about it, and how it affected me.

Several of the days, what I wrote about had something to do with him, or the rapes. We talked mostly about those things.

I have my homework for next week.

I have to write about the one rape, the night behind the building.

The one I have nightmares about. The one that was the worst, if that could be possible.

Now, I wrote about that night here once, when I was telling my story. That telling of my story was very much trauma focused, in that I didn't include much of the good in my life. And when I wrote about that night, I wrote it in detail of what happened.

But Dr K wants me to go farther with this homework. Include my feelings, my thoughts. The sounds and smells and everything around me that night.

I don't know if I'm ready to go there. Lately, I have been avoiding talking or thinking about that night or the other night with him. Or, pretty much anything to do with him, his staring, his intimidation. And as I sit here typing, I am filled with anxiety.

So how am I supposed to hand write about that night?

I don't feel like I can do this. I don't feel strong enough.

Jul 25 2012 05:08 AM
Oh it's so hard, isn't it? You are having to face the worst of it all by doing this work. It is scary, it really is.

Can you break the homework down in pieces? Can you do a little bit each day? Go as far with it as you can, and then stop, and do more the next day? Did you talk to Dr. K. about not feeling strong enough to do this?

Sending strength and support :hug: :hug: :hug:
Jul 25 2012 05:37 PM

Yes, it is scary. I am supposed to believe that facing the worst of it will help me to heal. I am hoping that is so, because it sure doesn't feel like it.

Yes, actually, Dr K did say that I can do a little each day if I need to. If I need to stop, she said that's fine. And we did talk about how I feel about whether I can do it or not. But I am going to try.

Thank you so much for the strength and support. :hug: :hug: :hug:

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    This is a blog of my feelings, my emotions, my joys, my sorrows, my thoughts, my struggles as I heal. All raw and real. I am not censoring my blog, so please take gentle care of you.

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