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I had therapy today. Most of my session was ok, but parts of it were hard. We went over my homework, and parts of doing that were hard. I basically had to pick something from each day and write about it, and how it affected me.
Several of the days, what I wrote about had something to do with him, or the rapes. We talked mostly about those things.
I have my homework for next week.
I have to write about the one rape, the night behind the building.
The one I have nightmares about. The one that was the worst, if that could be possible.
Now, I wrote about that night here once, when I was telling my story. That telling of my story was very much trauma focused, in that I didn't include much of the good in my life. And when I wrote about that night, I wrote it in detail of what happened.
But Dr K wants me to go farther with this homework. Include my feelings, my thoughts. The sounds and smells and everything around me that night.
I don't know if I'm ready to go there. Lately, I have been avoiding talking or thinking about that night or the other night with him. Or, pretty much anything to do with him, his staring, his intimidation. And as I sit here typing, I am filled with anxiety.
So how am I supposed to hand write about that night?
I don't feel like I can do this. I don't feel strong enough.