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Other than posting that to tumblr, my thoughts have really been on the negative side today.
And I'm feeling like I want to just isolate. Just, do whatever is necessary for the day, get it done, and get home and lock the door and not see anyone. I think the only one I want to even see is my daughter.
Everyone else, I could care less about.
I think part of it has to do with the trauma work I"m doing. I finished my homework up, have it ready to go for my session tomorrow. I'm not looking forward to my session tomorrow. I feel like the homework is just highlighting all of the ways I am so defective. All of the ways I am so broken. So much a lost cause.
Maybe the ways I am, and the ways I think and believe, maybe they are because of the rapes. Because of my mother molesting me. Yeah, big deal. That may be, but the fact is, I'm still broken.
Maybe part of it has to do with me having a nightmare last night. It was a bad one, and it just brought up all of those feelings again, especially feeling like I deserved to be raped. I've struggled today with feeling dirty, and disgusting. And, yeah, if I just isolated, no one would have to look at my dirty and disgusting ass.
I haven't blogged about my mother much lately. I don't want to. I just want to ignore all the ways she is. I think all I've blogged about her is what she told me about my father. But, it's like, here we go again. She left me a message trying to guilt me into going to her house to see old friends who are staying with her.
Friends I would like to see. But damn it, I am really digging my heels in and not wanting to go.
The original conversation went something like, B and her family are going to be staying at the house this week. Come up any time to see them.
My reply, I don't know if I can, I have an extremely busy week.
My mother, but I know you want to see them, especially B. You can't be that busy. And on and on.
Well, I had left it with her that I would see if I have the time. And what she doesn't know, and what I won't tell her, is that there is therapy, and working on my grandsons painting, and not feeling well physically. And work. And all of these things that I have to do and that I will be getting home late each day this week and have to get to bed early so I can get up in the morning and not be exhausted.
And I refuse to tell her all of that, because it's none of her business, and she would want to know more about each of those things I just listed.
And so, I left it with her that I didn't know. And yesterday, she called my cell. And I let it go to voice mail.
The gist of her voice message is to try and guilt me into coming up. How far B and her family came to come and see everyone. How she KNOWS that I want to see them, especially B.
I still haven't called her back.
Who knows, maybe one of these days I will clue my mother in to exactly how sick she makes me, and just how much I hate her.
So, there, now that's off my chest. But it doesn't help. It doesn't make it any better. And it doesn't change the way she is, not one little bit.
I don't know what to do about wanting to isolate. I feel like, right now, I'm just going through the motions. I've done it before, and eventually the wanting to isolate has stopped. But then there's the thinking--no one would care if I just disappeared into my house.
I really feel broken.
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