Pandora's Aquarium: how do I deal?... - Pandora's Aquarium

I finally got the nerve up to post the second part of my homework to my Tumblr. Here's the link.

http://artlifehealing.tumblr.com/

Trigger warning on the following.

Saturday, I spent the afternoon at my mother's house. My brother and his family were visiting from out of town, and when they come this way, they stay at her house. So, in order to see them and my nephew, I have to go to her house.

Through the course of the day, and over a couple of things, I came to realize even more what an idiot my mother is. She can really be stupid about some things.

And of course, she is sick, and disgusting.

But I was thinking about her stupidity. And for some reason, it brought up this memory. Something I have thought of over the course of the years. But until last night, when I was thinking about it again, it didn't really sink in as to just how disgusting she is.

I have a brother who is severely retarded. And, until this past weekend I didn't realize something. I really think that something in my mother's genes contributed to my brother's mental retardation.

Now, maybe that sounds mean. But, for years, my mother blamed my father on my brother's mental retardation. Since I was a young girl. She didn't come right out and say it was his fault. It was more implied. And this is how she implied it.

My mother told me, when I was little, that she thinks my brother was born retarded because when my father was born, he had an undescended testicle, and she thinks his sperm was deformed, and led to my brother being born retarded. And that was all the fault of my grandparents, who refused to have him operated on as a baby and to bring his one testicle down and out from inside of his body. And I've had to hear that ever since, every so often.

Maybe it's just me, but is that the kind of thing you tell your young daughter about her own father?

For some reason, this bothers me beyond words. Maybe if my mother hadn't molested me, it wouldn't bother me so much. But for some reason, I now see it as something totally inappropriate for her to say to me at that young age.

Or maybe even ever.

I would never have discussed such a thing with my daughter.

I don't know. It just seems creepy, now that I think back to it. And think about it. My mother is disgusting.

I just don't know how to deal with this. I mean, it isn't like I can even think of her as anything other than disgusting and vile for molesting me. Now I feel like there's just another layer added on top of that, that makes me want to never ever have anything to do with her ever again.