Off and on all day Iíve had this feeling like I want to cry. But I donít. I donít know why. The feeling is strong. Not overwhelming, just there, and Iím aware of it.
I know my physical pain has something to do with it. I spent a lot of time today on the couch, unable to do anything. I managed to eat something this afternoon, but it upset my stomach, and made my pain worse. Which only makes me feel physically worn out.
It bothers me that I canít cry. Today was just one of the times Iíve really tried. I try to let go, and just have a good cry. But I canít. It doesnít matter what I think about, I canít cry. Then I wonder why I feel like crying, when I canít.
It doesnít make any sense.
I spent some of the day thinking about him. I donít know why. Lately Iíve been focusing on my mother. I was happy to take a break from that today. But I kind of feel like my mind turned back to him because Iím not working hard enough to deal with all that he did to me.
I hate thinking about him. I hate him.
But what I got thinking about was how helpless he made me feel. I think I got thinking about that, because right now my physical pain makes me feel helpless. Itís kind of like my mind switching from one helpless feeling to the other.
I started thinking about how I felt every time he stared at me, and the fact that I couldnít do anything about it. The times at work that were the worse were when he was working a weekend shift, and he was in charge. He was the one in control. And his stare told me that he knew he was in control.
He left me feeling helpless. Scared, and so nervous, and like I was being watched (which I was), and helpless. And he did that before and after he raped me.
He never singled me out at work, or ordered me to do more than the others, or anything like that. Nothing that anyone could pick up on. I was the only one who understood what he was doing. He made it clear that he was in control. He couldnít touch me physically while we were working. But he surely did everything he could to me in other ways.
As I thought about those things, I wanted to cry. That helplessness I felt is still with me today when I think about him, and it makes me so sad. It makes me mad, furious that he could use his rank to try and control me like he did. But it also makes me sad. So sad, that today I wanted to cry.
I donít know why I canít let myself break down and cry. Maybe I feel like crying will be like losing control. Iím afraid that if I cry Iíll just lose it. Iíll become worthless to everyone, mostly to myself. If I break down crying, Iíll lose the ability to function.
But I wonder if it will make me feel better. Iíve never grieved for the loss I suffered when I was raped. Dr H and I have talked about this. About the need to grieve, to mourn for myself. But somehow I just canít.
Maybe itís because of the way I was raised. I didnít dare show emotions other than happy ones. If I did, there was something wrong with me. Itís been a long time since Iíve cried in Dr Hís office. I canít even seem to do that anymore. And I donít know why I wonít just let go when Iím with her.
I used to, at the beginning of my therapy. It seems like thatís all I did.
Anyway, Iím tired. Tired of being sad and at the same time trying to figure out why I canít cry. Maybe if I stop trying to figure it out, Iíll figure it out.
If that makes sense.