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Posted by missophelia , 12 May 2010 · 71 views

I didnít do much of anything today. This morning I had a gastroscopy done, which was required before I see the surgeon. I was sedated, so after D drove me home, I just took it easy.

Iím glad things are moving along in regards to my abdominal pain. I now have an appointment with the surgeon for June 1st. As nervous as Iíve been about surgery, Iím hoping that he will remove my gallbladder. Iíve heard that the surgery isnít that bad anymore, and Iím ready to get rid of this pain.

At least now I know that the pain isnít all in my head. It isnít because of any stress, or from me dealing with anxiety and my past. My pain has a real, physical cause. Oddly, that makes me feel good.

But itís scary. I almost feel like the further along I go, the less I know myself. Iím changing.

Soon Iíll have dentures. Itís been years since Iíve had a good smile. I know Iíll look different. Hopefully the dentures will make me feel better about my looks.

Soon, I think, Iíll be having gallbladder surgery. Most of my pain will be gone. All of that will be new to me. Most of my life Iíve dealt with stomach and abdominal pain. So Iíll feel different, healthier.

I know that all of those physical changes will help me in my healing. It wonít necessarily make all of my healing easier, but it will be like removing a roadblock that stands in the way of my healing.

Two years ago, A was still in school. I was working. D and I were kind of joking around, and he called me that word. Just jokingly. And thatís when my life just kind of fell apart. I would say that, of all of the times in my life that Iíve been depressed, and anxious, and had nightmares and flashbacks, 2 years ago it became the worse ever.

Whatís scary is that the better I start to feel, the less I seem to know myself. I feel like a stranger to myself. I donít remember when I was little, when I was happy, only my life after the age of 10. So Iíve never known what it is to feel really good about myself and my life.

Therapy is changing the way I look at myself. Iím starting to understand myself, more than I ever have. But thatís also painful, and at times Iíd love to just go hide, and disappear from the world around me.

This week Iíve been dealing with what my mother did to me. Itís hard for me to handle. I donít think it matters how many times I try to rationalize that maybe she did what she did because she was molested. Knowing that brings no comfort to me in any way, and instead it angers me. She should have known better, because of her own experience.
My thoughts about her have changed. Today Iím not in such a hurry to give her a break. I donít think she deserves one.

This afternoon I was thinking about my upcoming appointment with Dr H. And I realized that Iím not so anxious to see her again. When I first started therapy I hated it. Then I came to the point where I couldnít stand to leave her office, because I knew I wouldnít see her again for a whole week.

Today, itís ok with me that I have a few days before I see her again. Even the upcoming Memorial Day weekend wonít bother me, because I wonít see her that Monday. VA employees have the day off. Which means it will be 2 weeks before I see her again.

I was feeling kind of low this morning, after I got home from the hospital. I couldnít figure out why. So I slept for a while, because the effects of the sedation were still with me. When I woke up I felt a little better, but Iím still a little low. And I donít know why.

Iím trying to stay positive, to be productive with my thinking. At times it works. Today I wasnít that successful.

Maybe itís worry over the changes Iím going through. Iím trying to not overwhelm myself thinking about it, because it is scary. Itís all so unknown. Itís somewhat exciting, and makes me feel like Iím starting some kind of new life. But again, itís so unknown.

Iíve never felt really good about myself. Ever. Iíve never been able to look at myself in the mirror, never been able to feel good about my body, about the way I think, about the things Iíve accomplished in my life.

And itís scary to think that someday I might wake up and be happy and at peace with myself.

May 12 2010 07:34 PM
Sometimes I wonder if you and I are in a similar place in our healing! I can so relate to the new person we are becoming, and not really knowing that person, and it being scary. It is a little scary, but I think it's a good thing. At least I hope it is anyway.

I am really excited for you that soon you'll be without all that physical pain. I am so glad that something can be done to fix that. What a relief it will be!
Wow, I so relate to this! I talked to my therapist about it today actually, how I feel I have changed and shifted so much, and in shifting it is like having to learn who I am all over again, and feeling almost like a stranger to myself. It is positive and good, but scary at the same time.
May 12 2010 08:43 PM

Thank you, about my physical pain. I appreciate your feelings.

You know, I can relate to a lot of what you've read, and I've thought the same thing, that maybe we are in a similar place in our healing.

It's strange, how it's scary to change into someone new and different. I think somehow it can be a good thing to feel a little scared. I think it makes us more aware of our feelings, and our bodies, and all of the changes we're going through. And maybe that helps us in our healing.

Thank you again, and take care :)
May 12 2010 09:01 PM

I know what you mean. I think changing goes along with healing. And that when change happens, there is a whole new you, and you have to learn who you are again. And I agree, even though it's scary, it's positive and good, because it means you're healing.

Thank you, and take care :)

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