Loneliness Is OK
But it wasnít a bad lonely. And it got me thinking.
Iíve felt lonely most of my life. As a child, in school, even right up to when my daughter was born. Even though there were people around me, people in my life, like my friends, my husband, others.
I think part of my feeling lonely was because I kept myself separate from everyone around me. I faced rejection at a young age. I couldnít risk facing it again. But I did. I faced it in school, every time I was bullied. So I hid deeper down inside of myself. And that only made me even more lonely.
It was just this painful, lost feeling that no one could fix. No one could reach that far down inside of me to try and get rid of that loneliness I felt.
But today I was able to stand the loneliness. Instead of feeling like there was no one, it was more a feeling of--the house is empty, itís quiet here, Iím alone, Iím lonely. And I was ok with it. It wasnít painful. It wasnít depressing. It was just loneliness, and even though it would have been nice to have someone home, I was able to be comfortable with the feeling.
I wondered what made it ok today, compared to that painful loneliness I felt in the past. The first person I thought about was my daughter, A.
There are many things I love about being a mother. And I suppose one of those things is that for all of her life, up to now, sheís been with me. I absolutely love being with her. Iíve always had her, to talk with, to play with, to watch her change as sheís grown. And even if Iím one place, and sheís another, just thinking about her makes me feel like Iím not alone.
I also have Dr H. Iím not dependent on her, I donít need to be around her all the time. I think that just knowing that sheís there for me makes things different. Right now she is the only person in my RL that I can talk to about all of the things Iíve written here.
Itís huge for me that I have her. Iíve taken a massive leap of faith trusting her with my feelings. Sheís the first person I ever talked with where I revealed even the slightest thing about me that was the real me. Stuff inside my head, the things Iíve been through, what I think about myself. Iíve never told anyone else those things.
I think that my loneliness in the past was painful, partly because I didnít have anyone to talk to about me. But I donít have to pretend with Dr H. I can just be me.
Although I donít know the people here at Pandyís in my RL, being here, being part of this community, it makes me feel less lonely. Everyone here is important to me. Everyone here has a place in my heart.
I also think that the loneliness I felt today wasnít as bad because Iíve changed. Iím getting to know myself. Iím more able to see the good things in me. I donít think Iím worthless anymore. Today Iím a little more comfortable with me, with who I am inside, with just being alone with me. The way I am is ok.
And I think Iím starting to feel like Iím not that horribly bad a person. Iím not what he convinced me I was for all of those years.
And Iím kind of fun to hang out with, too. Even if itís only me hanging out with me.