I had a nightmare last night, but it wasnít too bad. I was working, and left the watch floor to use the bathroom. When I went around the corner, he was there. I tried to walk around him, but he moved in front of me. And he didnít say anything. He just stared at me. I tried to move around him again, but he stepped in front of me again. That happened a couple more times.
He kept staring, he kept stepping in front of me. But he didnít touch me. Then I moved again, and he let me pass. I felt relief as I walked past him. I wanted to run, but I didnít. Then he grabbed me. Then I woke up.
I remember the feeling of fear, and the feeling that I wanted to scream at him. But I couldnít. And I couldnít look at him either. I donít know why. But in my dream I think it was just this helplessness that overcame me. I couldnít move forward until he let me. And even then, he stopped me.
What happened yesterday really threw me. I felt like I had no control. I felt overwhelmed.
I was thrown off course. I felt like my healing couldnít move forward yesterday. Like I was painfully stuck right where I was. Trapped by the things that both my mother and he did to me.
I hate feeling like that.
Today I got mad. I got so pissed off that I felt so stuck, that I felt powerless to handle that trigger, and the flashbacks and memories. But today, thinking about all of that, everything that happened yesterday, all the reasons I got mad, those things only make me want to fight to heal that much more.
I feel like I was derailed. Iíve been on this course now, working hard on healing, working hard to clean the junk out of my life. Iím working really hard to decide what I want to do from here out. Where I want to go, what I want to do about my marriage. And most importantly, using everything I have to put him in the place he should be in, in my life.
Dr H and I talked a bit about the cleaning out Iíve been doing. How Iím going through everything in my house, and tossing the junk, cleaning all of the dust and dirt away, and putting the things Iím going to keep in the places that are right for them.
She remarked about the cleaning out of my house, and the healing Iím doing. She thinks cleaning out my house is a very positive thing. Even though itís brought up some memories, both good and bad. Then she said that maybe I could look at my healing as a cleaning out, too.
We talked about the part of my healing that deals with confronting my past. Sort of cleaning it out, too. She said that I could take the things from my past, decide what I want to keep the way it is, what I want to work to change, and what I want to discard, to throw away.
I like that.
I know that there are things I want to change as I heal. There are also good things, in my past and in my life now, that I want to keep. Then there are the things I want to discard.
I can decide what kind of relationships I want to have. Like how much contact I want to have with my uncle, for example. Because, like she said, I donít have to have anything to do with him if I donít want to. In a way, I donít have to keep him.
And the things I want to change, like how I want to react to my mother. Like what I want to do about my marriage.
Those are just a few of the things I want to either discard or change in some way.
Anyway, I know what I need to do. Although I was derailed, I need to get back to my healing. Itís hard, though. Today part of me still wanted to hide away, crawl into bed or into the back of my closet.
In a way, I still feel some of what I did yesterday. I wish it would all stop, that I could stop all of this healing work, and never have to do it again. Because itís so hard that itís painful sometimes. But I know where not working on healing has gotten me in the past.
I kind of feel trapped. I canít go back, and sometimes whatís ahead is scary. Itís like this unknown land Iím walking into. But Iím going to keep trying. Maybe I am trying to convince myself. Not because of doubt, but because maybe I need to assure myself that whatís ahead will be ok. That I will be ok.