Today I Struggled
I didnít sleep well last night. I hate it--itís almost like clockwork--after I see a cop or someone who reminds me of him, I have trouble sleeping that night. I usually have some kind of nightmare.
I tried to think of positives before I went to sleep last night. I was just restless, and I had those vague dreams with that smothering feeling. Just flashes of him through my dreams, nothing really concrete as far as dreaming about what he did to me.
I finally got up early, after another short dream, and I just stayed up. Which didnít help me at all.
I wanted to sleep in, because I was scheduled for another test at 10 this morning, and I had to fast after midnight. Which also meant no smoking. So, being up early put me on edge, because I couldnít even have any water.
The test wasnít wonderful. It took 2 hours. I had to be injected with this tracer, which would fill my gallbladder, then have several pictures taken. Then, after my gallbladder was full, I was given another injection to make my gallbladder contract and empty. The second injection gave me bad cramps, which I was told was normal.
I didnít have to change into a gown or anything, but the technician was a man. He was nice enough, but it still upset me, being alone with him in a room. But he was kind of just in and out, for only a few seconds or a minute at a time.
By the time it was over, I was desperate to at least have some coffee, and a cigarette. I was more than relieved to get out of there. And it didnít help that it was really cold in the hospital, like they had the a/c on, or something. Which makes no sense, because it was really cold out today.
Anyway, while I was laying on the table, the only thing I could do was think. I tried to keep something positive in my mind, but I kept thinking about him.
Iíve been doing better in dealing with memories, but not today. I really struggled to think about something, anything, other than him. But my mind kept going back to him.
I kept thinking about the things he said, hearing his voice. Thatís hard for me. It brings back so much, like all of the feelings I had both during and after he raped me.
I find that sometimes the things he said can still bring me such feelings. Itís not even really shame. Itís just this disgust, I think. Disgust for what he did, and disgust for the position he put me in. I donít blame myself anymore, I know none of it was my fault. But I still feel disgusted that he did what he did, and that he was able to get to me to do what he did.
Which pisses me off.
But even though I was pissed off, I still had this feeling today, feeling vulnerable. Every time I thought about all of that today, I just felt so vulnerable. Not like he can get to me now, just like I was so defenseless then, and that he took all of my choices and power from me on those 2 nights.
If that makes any sense.
After I got home, I worked hard to distract my thoughts. I had something to eat, watched a little TV, did a little cleaning. I spent some time with A, helping her with her room. I think sheís taking after me, cleaning the junk out, and trying to neaten things up. Thatís a good thing.
Eventually I got my mind off him. But it was hard today. It kind of makes me not want to go anywhere, so I donít run into reminders of him. But I know I canít do that.
Hiding myself away, avoiding life in general, those things arenít going to help me heal. I have lots of days that are way better than today was. But every once in a while I get thrown for a loop. I try to remember the things Dr H and I have talked about so I can deal with days like today, but sometimes itís so hard.