Facing The Scary
I still struggle when confronted by a cop. I think thatís one of my biggest fears, because it is still such a huge trigger. Dr H and I have talked about cops being safe, being there to protect, being who they are with no connection to the military, and, specifically, with no connection to him. When we talk about it, I get it. I understand. I agree with her. I know in my heart and my mind, that is true.
But when I am confronted, itís just something inside of me that takes over. And I panic.
Today I stopped to buy cigarettes. There were no cops around, but there was a man behind me who bothered me. He reminded me of him. I donít know exactly what it was. Maybe it was the way he was built. Maybe it was the way he stood. Maybe it was his stare.
Although I tried to avoid that.
It seemed to take forever to get out of the store, but I made it through ok. Then I got out of there as fast as I could. I also made it home ok, and I was able to relax soon after I got home. Then I got to thinking.
Iím dealing a little better with things now. Iíve made progress. Iím feeling just a little stronger than I ever did before. And that scares me.
I canít pinpoint why. It feels good to feel stronger. Some of the impact of being raped has lessened. I know that it will lessen more after I tell Dr H about what he did to me behind the building. I think it will be hard to talk about that night. But Iíve already talked about the first time he raped me, so I kind of know what to expect, how it will go.
But feeling stronger? Thatís a little scary.
All of my life, Iíve operated a certain way--Iíve buried my feelings, the past, all of the things Iíve been through. Iíve looked at life from the perspective of being scared, of being a victim, of hiding from everything and everyone. Itís the way Iíve been able to function, in many ways successfully.
Iíve been thinking about my future. About what Iíll do when I return to work. About what Iím going to do about my marriage, which isnít really a marriage at all. Sometimes I feel like such a stranger to myself. In the ďold daysĒ I could predict how I would react to things, what I would do with my life.
These days, I find that my thinking has changed. That I donít want to settle for things the way theyíve always been. Itís almost like I feel Iíll be starting over, making a fresh start. And that leaves me feeling like my future is very much uncertain.
Itís more than just what job Iíll take, or where Iíll live if I leave D. Itís more like, Iím a survivor now, with strength, and self worth. Like Iím going to be able to stand up for myself. Like Iíll be facing things with less fear. And like that is going to change every single thing about the decisions I make, or the friends I decide to have, or even about how I see myself when I look in the mirror.
Itís like uncharted territory. Itís scary, itís new. Itís a fear I feel I shouldnít have, but I do. Itís kind of exciting, like my whole life is suddenly laid out before me, giving me choices and options, instead of taking only one direction, a direction fueled by my weakness, my guilt, my hatred of myself, a direction dictated by my fears and the pain of my past.
Donít get me wrong. I am optimistic. I almost feel like Iím being reborn, to a better, happier life. But this new life is so very unfamiliar, that itís a little scary.