A Relaxing Day
I took it easy today. Tomorrow is therapy, and I have to be out of here kind of early in the morning. So I just relaxed. Watched a little TV, a good movie--White Fang. I also played around on my computer. And Iím doing ok with my food cravings. I had some soup, and stuff I could eat. As long as Iíve got something in my stomach, it doesnít seem to bother me that there are things I canít eat.
Early this afternoon, my aunt called. I guess A was on face book last night, talking to my cousin. I guess she told my cousin that she was taking care of me because Iíd had surgery. So, my cousin told my aunt. And of course my aunt had to call to see what was going on.
I told her about the surgery, and we talked about it for a little while. My aunt said she hopes I recover soon. She also told me about my uncle (yes, that uncle), who got dentures in his 30s, and my grandfather, who had dentures ever since I can remember. Anyway, my aunt said she was glad to hear it was nothing really badly serious, and that she thought I was probably doing the best thing for myself.
I talked to her briefly about Dís drinking. She said she was really sorry. That she knew how that is--my uncle has always been a drunk. I also mentioned being in therapy. When she asked what for, I just said it was something that happened while I was in the service. She was quiet for a few seconds. Then we got to talking about my father.
I guess my father is in Canada with his girlfriend. My aunt was saying she didnít know when sheíd see him next. Then she said he was wondering when he was going to hear from me. I guess he told her about not getting a birthday card or anything from me. And he told her he was ďhurtĒ.
So, I launched into my explanation. How I felt bad. How I had gotten a card for him. How I had so much going on, and that I didnít mean to ďblow him off.Ē We talked a few more minutes. My aunt said she would relay some of that to my father. Then she said to let her know if I needed anything. Then we hung up.
After I hung up, I got to thinking. I wondered a couple of things. First, to me it sounded like I was making all sorts of excuses as to why I hadnít wished my father a happy birthday. I wondered why that was, like I had to make excuses because Iíd done something terribly wrong. Second, it sounded like I thought I needed to justify myself, to explain myself to her to get rid of my guilt.
Then I wondered why I should feel all of that guilt.
Itís true that Iíve been going through a lot lately. Iíve surprised myself with the way Iíve been able to keep myself together, to a certain degree. Iíve been functioning ok. Iím not just laying around in bed all day. But there are things that have to give. I can only manage so much. Itís been getting better, but I can still get really overwhelmed if Iím not careful.
And why should I have to justify myself. Itís not like my father is on the phone every few days, calling me to see how I am. That rarely happens. He hasnít called me in months. I donít mean to sound like Iím having sour grapes, but itís the way it is. Heís busy. Yeah, I get that.
But Iím busy too, dealing with everything.
I guess I just feel like I shouldnít feel so guilty about missing his birthday. He doesnít give me much in the way of making me feel like he even wants to hear from me. He certainly doesnít show any pride in having me as his daughter. And when I do get a hold of him, itís like heís always busy, and Iím just background noise that heís listening to.
I donít know when Iíll ever feel differently about him. I suppose if I stood up to him, and told him exactly how I feel about him, that might make me feel differently. But I might also lose every single thing I have left of him. I donít know which would hurt worse. The way he acts now. Or the way he would act if he knew how I really feel.
So, I guess Iíll see if my aunt says anything, and take it from there.
As I was talking to my aunt, I was so tempted to add this to the list of things Iím going through--dealing with her husband trying to rape me when I was a teenager. But I didnít want to open that can of worms. And with the way she was going on about how sick he is, I really saw no point.
Although it was tempting.
Tomorrow is therapy, and it will be good to go. Even though Iíve had this little break, and I feel like Iím still on break from dealing with things. The drive will be good. It will be good to get out of the house, and I think itís supposed to be nice out. And I know Iíll have things to talk to Dr H about.