For most of the day, I was out alone. A had a few things to do with a friend of hers. I didnít mind. Sheís been so helpful to me lately. So, I stopped at Walmart, picked up a few groceries, and got gas. I also did some banking, and mailed some stuff out.
While I was out, I passed a couple of cop cars. I also saw one while I was in Walmart this morning. When I looked at him, he sort of stared at me. I started to go into a panic, and ended up in the bathroom.
I had a hard time calming myself down. I started thinking about him, and the way he would stare at me. Then I started thinking about the night behind the building, and I started hearing his words. They started playing in my mind, over and over, and I could almost hear his voice, saying them.
Eventually, I just tore out of the bathroom, like I was trying to run from him. I was able to finish my shopping, but seeing the cop sort of tainted my whole day. I was kind of jumpy, and I felt like hiding instead of doing the rest of the things I needed to do.
Finally, I got home, and after I put the stuff I bought away, I sank into the couch. I spent a little time not doing anything except staring at the TV.
I feel like he still controls me. Iím working on taking control back from him, but itís going slowly. Some days I feel like I can do it. Some days, like today, I feel like Iíve gotten no where.
I still have such a horrible time dealing with cops. Just seeing a cop car can set me on edge. I really do think Iím making some progress, but I wish it was happening faster. When I have a day like today, I know Iím not in control of my actions, or my feelings. And that makes me feel so abnormal.
I try so hard to not be hard on myself. Itís just that I look at the people around me, in the stores, or getting gas. They all seem to be just doing their thing, getting their stuff done without anything bothering them. Iím sure others have things that bother them, but it doesnít show. It may not even show that Iím bothered by stuff. I think Iím good at hiding my feelings, at not letting anyone know thereís anything wrong.
But I just feel so different from everyone else. When I see a cop, when I have to hide in the bathroom, or drive away really fast, itís then that I feel like no one else in the world is as weird as me. Like no one else lets things bother them like I do. I feel like thereís something wrong with me. Like being raped has set me apart from the rest of the world.
Of course, Iíve always felt apart from the rest of the world, from the time I was a child. Iíve always felt like there was something wrong with me. Not with what happened to me, but with me, with the person I was. I donít know what itís going to take for me to ever feel like I truly belong somewhere, like Iím a part of the world around me.
I hope that my surgery on Friday isnít going to make me feel even more abnormal. Iím trying not to project about how Iím going to feel. I know Iím going to feel self conscious without teeth. I already told A she will probably need to go to the store for me a few times. At least, right after my surgery.
More than anything, I really wish I could stop feeling so abnormal. Iím so comfortable feeling that way, but how I wish I wasnít. Itís so familiar to me, to compare myself to everyone around me. I feel like I stick out like a sore thumb in a crowd, and I attribute that feeling to having been raped.
After those 2 nights, I know everything changed for me, how I see myself and the world around me. Iíve fought hard to try to believe that thereís really nothing wrong with me. Sometimes I can believe it. Then thereís days like today. Itís so hard for me to convince myself that thereís nothing wrong with me when I have a flashback, or see a cop. I struggle with it. I wonít give up. But sometimes I just get tired of the struggle. Like today.
I actually thought about giving in today, and just hiding in my bed for ever. I sometimes donít think I have the strength to go on. I hate feeling so abnormal, and I hate what he did to me, and sometimes I just hate fighting for myself.
Thereís not much more I can say. Sometimes I just hate it all. Today is one of those days.