My Session Today
She thanked me again for telling her about the night behind the gym. She said it gave her more understanding of what Iíve been through, and that now she can understand the things Iíve voiced to her, about how I feel, and what my fears are.
We briefly discussed my upcoming oral surgery. I told her I was nervous, mostly for the physical aspects. The anesthesia, how my mouth will feel, how long itís going to take before they can do impressions. My dentist told me 4-8 weeks before that can happen. Thatís lots of time without much solid food!
We talked about separating the oral surgery from the night behind the gym. I told her Iím working on it, but it is a little easier since I talked about it. I also told her that I didnít feel the way I thought I would after I told her. I thought Iíd be embarrassed about the details I told her. But I wasnít. I also told her that it didnít hold much impact over me since I told her.
She said she wasnít surprised that that night has less impact on me now. It still bothers me, but Iím starting to see him more how I should, I think. Violent, evil, sick. Those are good words to describe him.
Dr H said she hopes I can relax, and that it goes well on Friday. She understands about my nervousness. We talked about A being with me, to drive. We agreed that it will help me to have her there. She suggested that I focus on A being there. Anytime I focus on A, I feel better.
I told her about the weird dream I had, the one where I shot him between the eyes. She found it very interesting, and remarked about how my dreams have been changing over the last few months. I told her how strange it was to feel the anger in my dream, and to have the other people there. She said that maybe the people were there to protect me, and support me. And she asked me how it felt to feel all of that anger in my dream.
I said it was strange, but a good strange. It felt powerful, I felt strong. I stood up to him in the end of that dream, and Dr H said that says a lot about where I am in my healing. That IĎm getting closer to taking back control.
Heís had it for long enough.
We also talked briefly about the other dream, the vague one with the smothering feeling. I told her that I know why I have it. Because of the night behind the building. I told her that I hope to have fewer of those dreams once Iíve talked about that night. She said that was progress, that I was thinking ahead to telling her about that night. Just a couple of months ago, telling her about any of it was the last thing I wanted to do. Just the thought horrified me.
Then she asked me if there were any situations now, in my life, where I thought I could be smothered. I thought about it, and then said no. I donít see that any exist. She said she knows that fear is very real for me, but to remember that I am safe now. She knows how much he scared me. How holding his hand over my mouth was just one of the ways he hurt me. But that I wouldnít be in that situation again.
I agreed with her.
I told her about the bad day I had, when I was so jumpy, and about how bad I felt for yelling at A so much. She said I was bound to have days where things like that happened. Then she asked me how I handled it.
I told her I probably could have handled it better. That I apologized to A after. She told me not to be too hard on myself. Sometimes I need to give myself a break.
Then we talked about my grandmotherís birthday.
First of all, I just want to thank everyone here for their support. And for their words. I appreciate it all so much.
I told her about the day, and that I didnít go, and why. We talked a little about my father. She said that I should live my life the way I want, because nothing I can do is going to change him. I agreed. She also said that she didnít blame me for not wanting to be around my uncle. Then she said that it was important that I do what I need to for me.
I finally decided that tomorrow A and I are going to visit her, make her lunch, give her her gift, and let her relax.
Then we talked about my uncle a little. We talked about whether he has a conscience. I told her about the next time I saw him after he tried to rape me. About how scared he looked that I was going to say something. But I said I didnít think that meant he was sorry for what he did. Just worried he might get caught.
Then I told her how I seriously considered talking to my cousin, his daughter. I have always wondered if he ever did anything to her. The more Iíve thought about it, I donít see it as totally impossible. Also, she married a drunk who was abusive to her. I donít know if that necessarily means that my uncle did anything to her. Dr H said she couldnít say one way or the other.
But each time I considered talking to her, I stopped my thinking. If I said something, she would know something had happened to me. I donít think Iím ready to let anyone in my family know. And if he did anything to her, would she want me to know? Would she want to talk about it? Or would she be horrified that I knew. I know that if someone approached me like that, I wouldnít be able to talk about it.
She asked me if my uncle ever tried to make amends to me for what he did. I told her no. Heís never said anything about it. Anytime Iíve seen him since, Iíve stayed as far away from him as I could. And heís never approached me for anything.
I told her about how sick he is now. About how part of me feels like heís getting what he deserves. She didnít make any remark to tell me I was wrong for feeling that way. I told her that in a way I feel bad for thinking that way, but deep down inside I donít.
We talked about my not telling anyone what he did, and about confronting him. She said the choice to confront him about what he did was mine to make. I said something about it being kind of pointless now, since heís so sick. And I also said I didnít think I wanted to. I really donít want to have anything at all to do with him, and I would rather not even speak to him.
Dr H said she understands. But she said that I could confront anyone over anything, if I wanted. That itís a way to stand up for myself. She said that I could imagine how someone would react so I could be prepared. If I had an idea in my mind about how someone would react, I could then be prepared to react back.
Dr H said she was so proud of my progress. How much Iíve changed over the past few months. She said she was happy for me, that it seems to be getting a little easier for me to deal with everything. And she said she knows thereís a lot Iím dealing with. She also said to keep writing, because that seems to be helping.
We talked about a few lighter things, like how many things Iím going to eat before Friday. Things Iíll miss for the next two months. Iíve already started.
Tonight, itís pizza. Tomorrow, Chinese.