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Maybe PTSD, Maybe ?

Posted by missophelia , 16 April 2010 · 6 views

Iíve been off all day. I donít know if itís my PTSD, or what. Iíve been jumpy and on edge. Just off.

A and I did some running around today, and she drove. I felt like a banshee or something. I kept yelling at her about her driving, especially at intersections. I really went off on her at one in particular.

Then we passed a cop in one of the aisles of the grocery store. I really fought my anxiety and the memories that started to surface. But I donít want A to see me like that. After a few minutes in the bathroom, I joined her again, and we finished our shopping. Although I was jumpy at some of the noises in the store. Like this one kid who was crying. And then the loudspeaker. It sounded too loud to me, but I think it was only me who felt that way.

Mostly it was just this jumpiness and anxiety today. In the grocery store, and while we were driving. Either when A came up behind another car, or passed cars parked on the side of the road, I felt so jumpy. It was kind of overwhelming. I tried to chill, but I didnít have much success.

I did apologize to her when we got home, but I still feel bad at the way I snapped at her. I shouldnít have. Sheís not a bad driver.

I feel like a bitch.

Maybe itís that Iím not dealing well with some of the memories coming up as I clean things out. I am finding more things from my past. Things from my childhood. Things I saved that I donít understand why I did.

Maybe Iím not ready to deal with them. Maybe I wonít be able to handle the memories at all. I feel a need to write about them, but not tonight. Tonight Iím going to take a hot bath, and try to relax.

I didnít sleep well last night. Maybe that has something to do with it. I was just restless all night. I had that smothering dream again. I donít remember what happened in the dream, just this vague feeling of being smothered. I know why Iíve had that dream. Iíve had it many times.

I know how it feels to be smothered. Luckily, he didnít kill me. Maybe after I tell Dr H about the night behind the building, it will start to go away. I hope it will.

Anyway, I hope tomorrow will be better. I think my bath will put me in a better mind set. At least, I hope it will. And for tonight, Iím going to put the cleaning out on hold. Maybe tomorrow Iíll be able to handle it better, or come at it with a different perspective.

All I can do is try.



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This is a blog of my thoughts, my feelings, my happiness, my pain, my joy, my sorrow, all raw and real. I am not censoring my blog, so please take gentle care of your self.

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    Blog Warning

    This is a blog of my feelings, my emotions, my joys, my sorrows, my thoughts, my struggles as I heal. All raw and real. I am not censoring my blog, so please take gentle care of you.

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