Maybe PTSD, Maybe ?
A and I did some running around today, and she drove. I felt like a banshee or something. I kept yelling at her about her driving, especially at intersections. I really went off on her at one in particular.
Then we passed a cop in one of the aisles of the grocery store. I really fought my anxiety and the memories that started to surface. But I donít want A to see me like that. After a few minutes in the bathroom, I joined her again, and we finished our shopping. Although I was jumpy at some of the noises in the store. Like this one kid who was crying. And then the loudspeaker. It sounded too loud to me, but I think it was only me who felt that way.
Mostly it was just this jumpiness and anxiety today. In the grocery store, and while we were driving. Either when A came up behind another car, or passed cars parked on the side of the road, I felt so jumpy. It was kind of overwhelming. I tried to chill, but I didnít have much success.
I did apologize to her when we got home, but I still feel bad at the way I snapped at her. I shouldnít have. Sheís not a bad driver.
I feel like a bitch.
Maybe itís that Iím not dealing well with some of the memories coming up as I clean things out. I am finding more things from my past. Things from my childhood. Things I saved that I donít understand why I did.
Maybe Iím not ready to deal with them. Maybe I wonít be able to handle the memories at all. I feel a need to write about them, but not tonight. Tonight Iím going to take a hot bath, and try to relax.
I didnít sleep well last night. Maybe that has something to do with it. I was just restless all night. I had that smothering dream again. I donít remember what happened in the dream, just this vague feeling of being smothered. I know why Iíve had that dream. Iíve had it many times.
I know how it feels to be smothered. Luckily, he didnít kill me. Maybe after I tell Dr H about the night behind the building, it will start to go away. I hope it will.
Anyway, I hope tomorrow will be better. I think my bath will put me in a better mind set. At least, I hope it will. And for tonight, Iím going to put the cleaning out on hold. Maybe tomorrow Iíll be able to handle it better, or come at it with a different perspective.
All I can do is try.