My dream didnít start like they usually do. I usually have nightmares about the time he raped me behind the building. I have rarely dreamed about what happened behind the gym.
But thatís where my dream started. I was on rounds, headed for the gym. Then he came through the door. He stopped me, told me to turn around, called me a slut. Then he knocked me down. He grabbed me by my hair, and pulled me up. I fought hard at him, and suddenly he lost his grip on my hair. Then I started running.
My own breath was loud in my ears as I ran, but I could hear him behind me. Everything was dark, but there was a light up ahead. So I ran toward it. I reached a door, and pulled it open. I could tell he was right behind me. I could feel him. I stepped through the door, pulled it shut, and hid around a corner. But he didnít come through the door.
I started walking down a hall, and opened another door. Then I was on the watch floor. I watched as the people I worked with came through the door. They were carrying shotguns.
(We used to have security drills on the base. We would use our shotguns in the drills, without ammo. We also had to be qualified on the shotgun, and hit 3 out of 5 shots on target.)
They were talking to each other, and none of them noticed me. They even looked at me, but they werenít seeing me. I watched them go to the gun safe, and start putting the guns up. The watch officer secured her 9mm, then she sat down. I just stood there, watching. Then someone tapped me on my shoulder.
I turned, and it was this guy, Curtis, who I worked with. I remember I said, what. He handed me his shotgun, and said, here, youíll need this. I tried to ask him what he meant, but a voice on the loudspeaker called my name, and told me to leave. I took the gun, and left the watch floor.
I was in a field, all alone. Then I heard his voice behind me. I felt him behind me. He whispered, you know you can never get rid of me.
I turned really fast, but all that was there was the target I had to shoot at. I lifted the shotgun, and aimed. Then suddenly his face was there on the target. He was staring at me, like he always did. I stepped back. I remember feeling fear as he stared at me.
I started to back away, but then I felt this overwhelming anger. I stepped closer, and took a deep breath. I lifted the shotgun, and aimed at his face. I fired, and hit him right between the eyes. Then I woke up.
I sat up in my bed and took a deep breath. I lay back down, but I started thinking about the dream. I finally got up and had some tea.
Iíve never had anyone else in my dreams except him. I donít know what it means that the people I worked with were there. If I had to guess, Iíd say that maybe the other people mean that Iím working on making him less significant in my life. Maybe that Iím trying to phase him out.
Which is what Iím trying to do, in a way.
Also, Iíve never felt anger in any of my dreams. The anger I felt didnít come until the end of my dream, but it was so strong.
As I sat and drank my tea, I realized I wasnít scared. Usually when I wake up from my dreams, I feel unsafe. I have to check all of the doors, and turn lots of lights on. Last night, I didnít have to do that.
I thought about the dream today. It wasnít like most of my dreams and nightmares. I donít know what that means. Does it mean Iím making progress, because my anger surfaced in my dream? Does it mean that IĎm finally starting to take back control from him?
I know thatís something Iím going to have to work hard on, taking back control. For so long heís controlled every aspect of my life. But I think it says something if he loses some control over me in my dreams.
So today wasnít too bad. It wasnít ruined by last nightís dream. And that makes me really happy.