Good and Sad Thoughts
I slept well last night. I havenít slept that well in a long time. Maybe the dinner I went to had something to do with it. When I woke up, I felt pretty rested, and I donít remember having any bad dreams.
I did laundry, like usual. Thatís my big thing on Sundays. Other than that, itís just a little housework and making something for dinner.
D borrowed my car to go meet up with his friend, so it was just me and A for most of the day. She helped out a little around the house, then went out with some friends. So I ended up with some alone time, which I find myself wanting more and more.
I still am seriously considering splitting with D, after my bankruptcy has been discharged, and we can sell the house without a problem. He wants to sell the house anyway, and get something out in the country. But right now, Iím leaning toward splitting the sale price of the house with him, and then leaving him.
Iíve been thinking about doing that more and more. Part of me doesnít want to, but itís such a small part of me that I donít really see staying with him as much of an option anymore.
Heís still drinking, and we never do anything together. I've tried. I donít know if Iím supposed to try harder, but he doesnít reach out to me and try to be part of a couple with me. He wonít stop drinking, and he wonít even consider counseling with me. Iím actually quite tired of trying for as long as I have to keep our marriage going. Itís kind of like there is nothing there to keep going.
In a way it breaks my heart. After my parentsí divorce, I never wanted to marry. When D and I first got married, I vowed not to end up like my parents. After A was born, I vowed to never let her feel like I did when my parents went through their divorce.
But sheís almost 19, and I guess sheíll be able to handle it if I leave him. She already has very mixed emotions about the whole thing, now that sheís learned that heís drinking again. She told my mother that she canít stand to look at D.
I hope sheís talking to her therapist about her feelings, because sheís got to be pretty mixed up about his drinking. For years he reassured her that he wouldnít drink. He knows how much itís always upset her. It makes me feel like he doesnít care about her feelings or mine anymore.
Iím just tired of dealing with him, and wanting so much to leave him and be alone. He doesnít help around the house, even though he usually doesnít go anywhere during the day. No sooner do I clean the house, then he dirties it up, and it frustrates me to no end.
I know I sound like Iím bitching, but I'm not. It's more a sadness than anything. If I donít vent some of my feelings about it all, I feel like Iíll explode if I think about it anymore.
Maybe Iím trying to fight the feeling that I know what I have to do. I donít know. I feel like Iím living in a make believe world to think that I can manage to stay with him the rest of my life. But it kind of makes me want to cry. Iíve been with him so long, and can never get those years back. And I somehow feel like Iíve wasted a lot of years on a marriage that is gone.
Anyway, D got home, and told me there was some kind of problem with my car. Which kind of freaked me out. Tomorrow is my session with Dr H, and the drive is about 40 miles. I NEED my car tomorrow. He says it should get me there, so Iím hoping it will.
I hate feeling so needy for Dr H, and feeling like if I miss an appointment with her itís going to affect me so negatively. So, I kind of worked myself up, and got really anxious about my car. But Iíve been trying to stay calm. Iíll just have to see how it goes tomorrow.
I should be ok.
Iím really excited to tell Dr H about last night, and also about standing up to my mother the way I did. I think Iíve had a pretty good week.