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I'm Nervous

Posted by missophelia , 27 March 2010 · 74 views

I usually donít blog this early in the day, but Iím nervous about something. I thought writing it down would help.

This morning this guy, M, stopped by my house. I used to clean Mís house and business. I cleaned for him for almost 5 years. I also know most of his other employees.

I invited him in, and we sat and had coffee. A was home, so she had coffee too. Everyone in his business knows her.

Itís been awhile since Iíve seen him. And it was good to see him. I think if I go back to cleaning as my work, I would want to pick him up again as a client.

So, anyway, he stopped to invite me and A to a dinner for his business. Casual dress, nice prime rib dinner, and then driving go carts. He said that everyone missed me, and when he decided to have the dinner, everyone wanted to invite me. He did too.

That felt nice to hear.

I hesitated. I got this panicky feeling. I was glad I was sitting down. My heart started racing a little.

The dinner starts at 6 tonight. Which is fine, because it will be light out. But by the time everyoneís done with go carts, it will be dark out.

No one except Dr H know about my insane fear of the dark. I rarely go out after dark. I associate the darkness with being unsafe. Both times I was raped, it was dark out. The one time he grabbed me from behind. So, no, I donít go out in the dark. Dark, unsafe. Inside the house at night, with lights on, safe.

I took a sip of my coffee, and made some feeble attempt to speak. I said I donít know. Then A spoke up.

She said, Mom, you never do anything fun anymore. Letís go. I wanted to cry. She was right. I donít do anything fun. I canít remember the last time I did. Iím always fearful, I isolate myself, I get too anxious to go anywhere. Then she said, Iíll be with you. It will be fun.

I turned to her. She was smiling. Then I turned to M, and before I could think, I said, Sure, weíd love to come.

We finished our coffee, and then M said he had some other things to take care of, but he would see us later this evening.

As soon as he left, my mind started to race. What if I freak out when I have to be out in the dark. Itís been so long since Iíve been in a social setting, what if I make an idiot of myself. What if I am terrible at driving a go cart. Then I forced myself to stop thinking like that.

So, Iím nervous about tonight. It's a huge step for me. Iím a little excited, because it sounds like it will be fun. Iím going to try and just go with it, and enjoy the time. Besides, A will be with me. I can always count on her to make me feel better.

Wish me luck.

Mar 27 2010 01:08 PM

Of course you're afraid of the dark and associate it with being un-safe. I don't think anyone would debate on the reasons behind your fear or invalidate them....

At the same time, you are taking a risk and facing your fear. Sometimes, that is the most powerful step in healing -- taking a risk and doing something you're absolutely terrified of. Exposing yourself to your fear. That is a very brave thing to do, and your reward will be having a really great night eating a good meal instead of spending the night alone at home. Your reward will be having FUN ! Posted Image

As you mentioned, A will be with you. Can you ask her to hold your hand when you're feeling un-safe ? Do you do any grounding exercises that could help in case you get scared ? As for the go-karts insecurity...you're talkin' to the worst go-kart driver in the world. They're still tonnes of fun though ! Posted Image

I hope you will have a great time tonight. You deserve to go out and spend a Saturday night with friends. Posted Image
Mar 27 2010 02:27 PM
stealing wonderland

Thank you for your encouragement.

I do use grounding, and will try that if I need to. And I think A would hold my hand if I asked her to.

I am planning on having fun, and will try my hardest to be brave. I'll try to ignore any anxiety I have, and just focus on the evening.

And thank you for your good wishes.
:yay: :yay: Good for you my friend, missophelia

It will be good to see and chat to people you have not seen for some time.

I hope you have a splendid time.

Tell me all about it when you can.

Many Blessings to you.
Mar 27 2010 08:35 PM

Thanks for your encouraging comment.

I had a really great time, and it felt good, and different, to face my fear and just go.

:D :D :D :D :D

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