This morning this guy, M, stopped by my house. I used to clean Mís house and business. I cleaned for him for almost 5 years. I also know most of his other employees.
I invited him in, and we sat and had coffee. A was home, so she had coffee too. Everyone in his business knows her.
Itís been awhile since Iíve seen him. And it was good to see him. I think if I go back to cleaning as my work, I would want to pick him up again as a client.
So, anyway, he stopped to invite me and A to a dinner for his business. Casual dress, nice prime rib dinner, and then driving go carts. He said that everyone missed me, and when he decided to have the dinner, everyone wanted to invite me. He did too.
That felt nice to hear.
I hesitated. I got this panicky feeling. I was glad I was sitting down. My heart started racing a little.
The dinner starts at 6 tonight. Which is fine, because it will be light out. But by the time everyoneís done with go carts, it will be dark out.
No one except Dr H know about my insane fear of the dark. I rarely go out after dark. I associate the darkness with being unsafe. Both times I was raped, it was dark out. The one time he grabbed me from behind. So, no, I donít go out in the dark. Dark, unsafe. Inside the house at night, with lights on, safe.
I took a sip of my coffee, and made some feeble attempt to speak. I said I donít know. Then A spoke up.
She said, Mom, you never do anything fun anymore. Letís go. I wanted to cry. She was right. I donít do anything fun. I canít remember the last time I did. Iím always fearful, I isolate myself, I get too anxious to go anywhere. Then she said, Iíll be with you. It will be fun.
I turned to her. She was smiling. Then I turned to M, and before I could think, I said, Sure, weíd love to come.
We finished our coffee, and then M said he had some other things to take care of, but he would see us later this evening.
As soon as he left, my mind started to race. What if I freak out when I have to be out in the dark. Itís been so long since Iíve been in a social setting, what if I make an idiot of myself. What if I am terrible at driving a go cart. Then I forced myself to stop thinking like that.
So, Iím nervous about tonight. It's a huge step for me. Iím a little excited, because it sounds like it will be fun. Iím going to try and just go with it, and enjoy the time. Besides, A will be with me. I can always count on her to make me feel better.
Wish me luck.