I went in for an abdominal cat scan today. I had to drink what seemed like a ton of contrast, which left me feeling bloated and with a bad taste in my mouth.
A went with me. I guess just to keep me company, and be there for me. I was already nervous enough about it. After I checked in and filled out paperwork, I waited for my name to be called.
I was reading a magazine, and just happened to look up. Just as a cop walked by, close to me. He was really close, and he stared at me as he walked by. I got up and told A I had to use the bathroom.
I tried not to take too long in there, because I didnít want A to worry. But I was pretty shaken. My heart started racing, and I could hardly breathe. I thought I was going to pass out, and I got that feeling in my stomach, where I always feel my anxiety first. So, I donít know how long I was in there, but when I finally came out, A asked me if I was ok.
I hate that simply seeing a cop can affect me in such a way!
I donít do panic attacks around people. Just the thought of someone looking at me when Iím having one makes me feel weak. Like I canít handle life. Like when I had the panic attack in Dr Hís office. I felt so self-conscious, so uncomfortable. I donít want anyone making a fuss. Iíd rather withdraw and suffer from them all alone.
I donít even want anyone to know I have panic attacks.
Luckily we had gotten to the hospital early, so I hadnít even been called yet. But every time anyone walked by, I jumped. I think A noticed that, but she didnít say anything about it. All she said was, donít worry about the test. Iím sure it wonít be bad.
She can be so supportive. Sheís very caring. Sheís always been that way.
I wanted to just curl into a ball, to protect myself, to shut everyone and everything out. I imagined how good it would feel to be home, curled up in my bed. I tried to focus on the feeling of comfort Iíd have there. Eventually my name was called.
The test wasnít wonderful. I got a little freaked out.
The person who prepped me was a man. I was in a room all alone with him, until the female doctor walked in. But I had to lay down, and after he put a sheet over me, he told me to unzip my jeans and pull them down my legs, because of the metal in the zipper.
I wanted to run from that room so fast. It took everything I had to do what he asked. I tried to be brave. The only thing that helped is that he walked away to do something else. But I still felt so exposed, even with the sheet over me.
Then he inserted the IV in my arm. Then he walked away. Thankfully.
I donít know how I got through the whole thing. Except I tried to imagine some time in my life that was happy. I focused on that the best I could. When I was done, I wasnít really happy with myself, because I think I could have handled it better. I was just glad it was over.
So, after I was done, A and I stopped at the grocery store to pick a few things up. We were just about done, when I ran into a man whose house I used to clean. For him and his wife. They were nice people.
He asked me how I was, and we talked for a few minutes. Then I asked him about his cats and dogs.
This couple has 8 cats, and 2 dogs. Theyíre all sweet, and I miss them. But in one way I donít miss the cats. They have 4 male cats, who spray and pee all over everything. Itís kind of funky. They are clean people, but their house has a smell to it.
Two of their cats are Siamese. Both have the same father, but different mothers. They are 2 of the males, and they do the most ďbusinessĒ around the house.
Anyway, he said the animals were good. I said great. Then I asked him, kind of jokingly, if the males were still up to their ďbusinessĒ. He said yes, then he went on. He started telling me about the Siamese, and then about their father.
He said his 2 Siamese were the most aggressive at doing their business everywhere because of their father. He described the father cat as a ďstudĒ, who went around aggressively impregnating as many females as he could. Then he said something unnerving, with a big smile on his face.
He said the father was this huge Siamese, who was the rapist of the cat world.
Then he laughed a little.
This is an older man who said this. Heís a lawyer. I always respected him. I think Iíve lost that respect for him.
I didnít even know what to say to that remark. I immediately took offense. That he joked about it. Even though he was joking about a cat, it still unnerved me, because he was joking about rape.
It was inappropriate for my daughter to here. I think it was inappropriate for anyone. Maybe Iím wrong, but I just see it as a really bad, tasteless, offensive joke about rape. And there is nothing to joke about there. It doesnít matter that he was referring to a cat. Not in my mind.
Unless Iím totally off mark?
I donít think so.
So, the rest of my day was kind of clouded over by what he said. Iíve been working hard to not take it personally, because for some reason it felt personal. He has no idea I was raped, but it was just personal for me, in a really really bad way.
The rest of my day I have spent doing a little cleaning, watching some TV, and making dinner. All just to occupy my mind. Because this was just an overall unnerving day.