So, Iím still having that feeling, wanting just to hide behind my locked door and drawn mini blinds. Once I got home I tried to feel comfortable with myself. I didnít do much, except play Bejeweled and watch TV. And fold the laundry. And think. Maybe I just needed a lazy day?
But all day this feeling has been building inside me. Iím feeling vulnerable.
Iíve been thinking about my mother all day. The way I feel when I think about her makes me think sheís a trigger for me. I get that panicky feeling. It doesnít ever seem to get better with her. At times it gets worse.
Sheís so overbearing, and sometimes I can hear her, in my head, yelling at me. Like, she disapproves of everything Iím doing. Like nothing I can do will ever be good enough for her.
So I feel vulnerable.
I feel vulnerable against her. Sheís one of the people I have the hardest time being assertive with. I canít stand up to her. I almost see it as a weakness. Like sheís the one with all the power. Even typing this is getting my anxiety up.
I donít know how to NOT think about her. I donít know where the switch is in my brain, to be able to just turn her off, to just stop being so occupied by thoughts of her. Itís aggravating, and it makes me feel like I canít even do that right.
I know that, once upon a time, I looked up to her. I found praise from her. She was a comfort to me. But that once upon a time was a long time ago. After she molested me, things went from bad to really bad with her. Since then Iíve never found praise from her. And looking up to her and taking comfort from her? Maybe in an ideal world. But my feelings about her, every time I think about her or see her, just seem to get worse as time goes by.
Thatís without even having to see her in person. When that happens, itís like I become a totally different person. I kind of revert back to the child I was. That child who was 10, who dared to say no, and stop, to her. Who was so painfully ignored after. Who never got to have that mother-daughter relationship that would have been so much fun, so fulfilling, so comforting.
That never happened.
Itís almost like her words, or even just her stare, can wound me, to the core of my being. Not so that Iíd bleed, not physically, at least. Just who I am inside, feeling like thereís a big hole that sheís filled in with her disapproval. If I say to myself, get over it, or if I think I can get over it, and move on, and not let her affect me in such a way, I know Iím fooling myself. I honestly donít think Iíll ever get past feeling like I do about her.
So maybe Iím causing the anxiety myself? I donít know. I guess itís a work in progress, but itís painful, and something Iíd rather just bury, and then not have to feel anything about her.
Whether or not Iím causing my own anxiety, I have to deal with it, and the feeling that she can wound me whenever she wants. Sometimes just a look will do it.
Iím trying to get my mind diverted onto something more pleasant. Iíve been trying all day. I am thinking about seeing Dr H tomorrow, and hoping I have a good, productive session. And Iím thinking that maybe tomorrow can be a better day for me.