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Testing, and Telling

Posted by missophelia , 18 March 2010 · 95 views

My mother and her boyfriend stopped by today. They were doing some running around, and came to ďseeĒ how we were. I think my mother was trying to see just how upset A is. Anyway, myself, D and A were here, so she couldnít really say anything to A if that was what she wanted to do.

I have the feeling that is exactly what she wanted to do.

So, we were standing around my kitchen, talking about nonsense, really. Somehow A brought up the fact that in some countries if you steal, your hand gets chopped off. Everyone nodded, and said yeah, thatís right. Lucky we live in America. Then, without even thinking, I blurted out, in some countries, if you are raped you are killed.

Oops, I didnít think first.

A said why. I said something about shame. Then there was dead silence.

After an awkward bit, everyone started talking about other things.

You know, Iím getting closer to telling Dr H my story, and while Iím trying to work up the nerve to tell her face to face, Iíve been thinking about who else in my RL I can tell. Who I can TRUST to tell.

I wonder if I was testing the people in my kitchen to see how they would react to the subject of rape. Not that I think Iím going to tell any of them.

I honestly donít know if I would ever tell A. I think it would upset her more than anything. The only reason I think I would ever tell her is if I ever had to in order to relate to something she was telling me. But I wouldnít ever want to be able to relate to her about something like rape.

Now I truly believe that I will never tell D. Enough said there.

I donít know my motherís boyfriend that well. Heís nice. Heís 72. But, Iím always going to have a surface relationship with him.

And my mother? God, no, I would NEVER tell her. AlthoughÖ

The other day, when I was telling her about A knowing that D was drinking, there was a moment. She was just so aggravating, and I felt like literally screaming at her to lay off, because I was going through therapy, and I didnít need to deal with her shit. Then I imagined that after screaming at her, the next words out of my mouth would have been, ďI was raped.Ē

After I got off the phone, I thought about that. It scared me. I donít know why it scared me, but it did. Maybe because if I blurted it out, I wouldnít be able to take it back. Then I donít know how my mother would react.

Iím not sure she would believe me. Iím not sure if she would blame me in some way. After the way she talked about A getting a job so D wouldnít drink, I figure sheís one to blame first, before she really understands the truth.

So Iíve been wondering who I can tell. And then I wonder how that person would react. I donít think I could take it if that person didnít believe me, or thought in some way that it was my fault. But I donít think Iíd pick a person who would react like that. I think Iím much more cautious.

Right now there is this huge part of me that wants so badly to tell Dr H. I think if Iíd been in a better frame of mind on Monday, I might have told her part of my story.

But every time I think about it, I get so panicky, and I feel like Iím going to pass out. Is that feeling normal? I donít know. Even talking to Dr H about telling her made me feel like that.

And every time I tell her how I feel about telling, and she asks why I feel that way, I donít know what to say. I really wonder if the way I feel is normal.

So, these past couple days Iíve been seriously thinking about telling her next week. And considering it scares me. Just thinking about telling her makes me want to run and hide, in a way. I feel like a weakling. Then I run through my mind the things that could happen.

Maybe Iíll choke up, and just not be able to speak.
Maybe Iíll break down and cry uncontrollably.
Maybe Iíll be too graphic, and Iíll upset her.
Maybe sheíll react in a way that will just kill all of my trust in her. Although I canít imagine her reacting in any way that would even come close to me losing trust in her.

Then again, maybe once I started talking, Iíll be ok.

But then I think about the things I have to say to tell. Thatís tough for me, not because Iím ashamed. But just saying what I have to say are the things Iíd rather not ever have to say.

If I keep going like this for too much longer, my thinking will drive me nuts!

:gaah:

So, Iím hoping nothing drastic happens during the week, nothing that I absolutely have to talk about. Because I think Iím going to tell her part of my story Monday.



Telling your story will make what happened to you real to someone else and that is where your fear comes from. It is real to you and you are afraid it will not be accepted as real to someone else and it will be so terrible that the person will reject your truth therefore reject you. These are all normal and valid feeling you are having. You will tell your story when it feels right and with the right person. Don't beat yourself up over this. You deserve to be heard and believed and healed.

Your mother is a trigger to you as my mine is to me. She is not worthy of your trust and does not need to know the details. Why bother telling anyone who is incapable of understanding and caring about what this all has done to you. If I recall isn't your mother abusive as well? I think your daughter loves and cares about you but she may not be able to handle the details. She may only need to know you were raped. D's behavior is not one of support for what you are going through so he is not worthy of your trust. Your therapist seems to be the most trustworthy and here of course.

I think it kind of amusing you blurted out the rape thing. It was good to see how they would react and it gave you the answer you have been asking about telling them when you think of it. You were testing the waters and it was very brave of you.

I am rooting for you missophelia. Just go with what feels right to you. If you are not ready then don't force yourself and don't feel pressured to tell. Be gentle with yourself and care for yourself.

I am sorry you are struggling with this and I do know how it feels to pick it all apart in the brain over analyzing and over thinking it all as I do it often enough. Should I do this or should I do that over and over until you are sure you are insane or wish you were just to explain it all. And dreading any extra hassles to all this is brain and emotional overload. So I hope nothing drastic happen this week either for you but if it does you know I am here to listen and care.

Many hugs to you :hug: :hug: :hug:
I love that you said that in front of your mom. I honestly think that was awesome

I wonder, would having your therapist READ your story first help? I know for me, that helped a ton. Then I could sya it, and she knew, so I was not as scared to tell

I know what a struggle this is, and how hard it is. I think you should do what feels right, and don't be to hard on yourself. If Monday comes and you can't, then it is fine, it just was not the right time, and that is okay

Ooooh this just came to me. I wonder....could you like call a rape crisis hotline and tell them something? Someone a TOTAL stranger, who is going to believe and validate you, and you will never talk to them again? I wonder if that would be a safe palce to start, kinda like here, but more personal???
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missophelia
Mar 18 2010 08:59 PM
bellachai

Thank you for everything you've written.

I'm glad to know what I'm feeling is normal. I just always feel like I'm odd, or abnormal, about most everything.

It is a kind of amusing way I tested the waters. I surprised myself, and I know I surprised everyone in the room, because no one would ever expect me to say something like that.

I'm trying to be gentle with myself, and to go easy on me, and do only what feels right. I'm going to try not to think much about it the rest of the week, so I don't over think it too much.

Again, thank you for your support and understanding. It is appreciated.
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missophelia
Mar 18 2010 09:09 PM
chelirach

Thank you for what you've written.

I honestly don't know what made me say that. It was awkward, but I have to admit that it felt good.

Maybe I'm healing a little, to be able to say what's on my mind without worrying what someone will think, or thinking I sound stupid. Maybe I'm on my way to being able to stand up for myself.

I've thought about letting Dr H read it first. It's something I'm considering. But I will do what feels right for me, and I'll try not to be too hard on myself if I can't do it Monday.

Calling a rape crisis hotline is an interesting thought. It's something I'll think about. I never thought about it, but I do agree it would be kind of like here.

I appreciate all of your support and understanding. Thank you.
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stealing_wonderland
Mar 20 2010 06:04 PM
It sounds like you are making tremendous progress. Just by being able to blurt that fact out in front of them without thinking about it or censoring yourself is proof of growth and trust in yourself. You know what happened to you, and are working on telling Dr H about it, but even if you can't find people around who will be supportive, I think Chelirach's suggestion of calling/accessing crisis centres might help in taking the next step in your journey. That way, it will be anonymous and the person will believe you, so you might not have the same anxiety of not being believed if you call or message them.

Keep in mind though that healing is not a linear process and you probably won't go from being able to talk about how other countries perceive rape/react to it, to what happened to you in the same breath. I used to assume I would be able to do that and would get frustrated with myself for not blurting it out about myself, but realised quickly enough it was just too personal to share with those around me. Be patient with yourself and tell people when it feels right. There is no time-stamp and no 'correct' way of doing it, so just trust yourself. Take care.
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missophelia
Apr 07 2010 01:00 PM
stealing wonderland

If you come back and read this, I just want to thank you for your kind words. It means a lot to hear you tell me I'm making such progress. Sometimes I can't believe that I am, because I've never come this far in any therapy I've ever been in.

I am trying to be patient, and I think that when I'm ready, I'll be able to tell my story. But, like you, probably not to those around me. It is such a personal thing. And I still am thinking about the crisis center.

Again, thank you.

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