Testing, and Telling
I have the feeling that is exactly what she wanted to do.
So, we were standing around my kitchen, talking about nonsense, really. Somehow A brought up the fact that in some countries if you steal, your hand gets chopped off. Everyone nodded, and said yeah, thatís right. Lucky we live in America. Then, without even thinking, I blurted out, in some countries, if you are raped you are killed.
Oops, I didnít think first.
A said why. I said something about shame. Then there was dead silence.
After an awkward bit, everyone started talking about other things.
You know, Iím getting closer to telling Dr H my story, and while Iím trying to work up the nerve to tell her face to face, Iíve been thinking about who else in my RL I can tell. Who I can TRUST to tell.
I wonder if I was testing the people in my kitchen to see how they would react to the subject of rape. Not that I think Iím going to tell any of them.
I honestly donít know if I would ever tell A. I think it would upset her more than anything. The only reason I think I would ever tell her is if I ever had to in order to relate to something she was telling me. But I wouldnít ever want to be able to relate to her about something like rape.
Now I truly believe that I will never tell D. Enough said there.
I donít know my motherís boyfriend that well. Heís nice. Heís 72. But, Iím always going to have a surface relationship with him.
And my mother? God, no, I would NEVER tell her. AlthoughÖ
The other day, when I was telling her about A knowing that D was drinking, there was a moment. She was just so aggravating, and I felt like literally screaming at her to lay off, because I was going through therapy, and I didnít need to deal with her shit. Then I imagined that after screaming at her, the next words out of my mouth would have been, ďI was raped.Ē
After I got off the phone, I thought about that. It scared me. I donít know why it scared me, but it did. Maybe because if I blurted it out, I wouldnít be able to take it back. Then I donít know how my mother would react.
Iím not sure she would believe me. Iím not sure if she would blame me in some way. After the way she talked about A getting a job so D wouldnít drink, I figure sheís one to blame first, before she really understands the truth.
So Iíve been wondering who I can tell. And then I wonder how that person would react. I donít think I could take it if that person didnít believe me, or thought in some way that it was my fault. But I donít think Iíd pick a person who would react like that. I think Iím much more cautious.
Right now there is this huge part of me that wants so badly to tell Dr H. I think if Iíd been in a better frame of mind on Monday, I might have told her part of my story.
But every time I think about it, I get so panicky, and I feel like Iím going to pass out. Is that feeling normal? I donít know. Even talking to Dr H about telling her made me feel like that.
And every time I tell her how I feel about telling, and she asks why I feel that way, I donít know what to say. I really wonder if the way I feel is normal.
So, these past couple days Iíve been seriously thinking about telling her next week. And considering it scares me. Just thinking about telling her makes me want to run and hide, in a way. I feel like a weakling. Then I run through my mind the things that could happen.
Maybe Iíll choke up, and just not be able to speak.
Maybe Iíll break down and cry uncontrollably.
Maybe Iíll be too graphic, and Iíll upset her.
Maybe sheíll react in a way that will just kill all of my trust in her. Although I canít imagine her reacting in any way that would even come close to me losing trust in her.
Then again, maybe once I started talking, Iíll be ok.
But then I think about the things I have to say to tell. Thatís tough for me, not because Iím ashamed. But just saying what I have to say are the things Iíd rather not ever have to say.
If I keep going like this for too much longer, my thinking will drive me nuts!
So, Iím hoping nothing drastic happens during the week, nothing that I absolutely have to talk about. Because I think Iím going to tell her part of my story Monday.