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That Nightmare

Posted by missophelia , 13 March 2010 · 68 views

Today hasn't been wonderful. I've been really tired. I got little sleep last night. I had that nightmare again.

I think I need to write it down, get it out of my head. All I've been able to think about all day is that nightmare, and I want the thoughts to stop now.

My dream starts with him holding me by my neck behind the building. Then I'm on the ground with him on top of me. He is inside me. He puts his hand over my mouth and nose. I can't breathe.

It seems to go on and on, he won't stop. I can't breathe. He is staring into my face. I'm trying not to look at him. But all I can see is his face. I can't breathe.

It gets harder and harder for me to breathe. It goes on and on. He won't stop. His hand is over my mouth and my nose. Then I stop breathing.

I stop breathing. Then I die.

Then I am watching him and my dead body. He is standing there, looking down at my body. He bends down and picks my body up. He turns, and starts to walk. I am watching him walk as he carries my body. He carries my body until he comes to the cliff looking over the ocean.

I watch him holding my limp body. I watch him smooth the hair off my face. I watch him smile at my body. Then I watch as he throws my body off the cliff. I watch my body fall. I watch my body hit the ocean. I watch my body sink.

There is no noise at all in any part of that nightmare. Nothing. Horrible silence.

It was horrendous. When I woke up, I jumped out of bed. I had to feel the floor under my feet. I had to know I wasn't under water. I must have been crying. Tears were running down my face. I didn't even wipe them away. I just let them dry there. I turned all of the lights on, and sat in front of the TV, just staring at the show that was on.

I felt terrified, but it was strange, because I also felt numb. It was only after I'd been sitting for a while that I started feeling some anxiety. My anxiety has gotten worse through the day, because I can't stop thinking about that nightmare.

None of my nightmares have ever been like that one. I've never died in any of them. That's what I can't stop thinking about. I was dead. Horribly dead.

In my nightmare, I felt so cold watching him carry my body. I felt numb. It was like watching some old horror flick without the sound. Just him carrying my dead body to the cliff and throwing it into the ocean. And I didn't feel a thing.

I don't know if writing it down is helping me, but I just want to write it over and over, and read it over and over, until I can't make myself think about it anymore. For all the times I was suicidal, the thought of actually being dead terrifies me. Even though I felt numb after I woke up, it terrified me. I've never been that horribly scared after any of my nightmares.

I remember that during the actual rape I thought I might die. I had such a hard time breathing that I imagined suffocating. I've had lots of dreams that have been vague, except for that feeling like I was being smothered.

But I've never been smothered to death in any of my nightmares. Not until now.

I don't know if it has anything to do with my rage the other night. I had this nightmare for the first time that night. I know I'll have to talk about both of those things with Dr H on Monday.

I've been trying to keep busy today. I wrapped a couple of EBay things. I've almost got them all done, but I'm just taking my time. I don't need any more stress. I'm afraid of being overwhelmed right now.

I just hope I can sleep tonight.

Once again I relate. I have had similar dreams, the most significant one when I was 12, which I am sure I shared here. I interpret them as part of grieving almost, because they are a symbolic death, not of the physical self, but of part of the psyche, the part that is killed by the rapist. Something does die when you are raped. It makes sense to me, that in being able to feel that anger and rage, you would be then grieving for that part. It is all connected

I hope you are able to sleep tonight
Mar 14 2010 09:54 AM

Thank you. I slept a little better last night. I dreamed a little, but nothing too horrible.

I always felt like part of me died when he raped me. Maybe I am getting closer to being able to grieve.

I think it might help.
Not only is the body violated but the spirit and soul as well. The worst kind of robbery there is IMO. You can see and feel the body heal but not the spirit or soul. Writing for me is like regurgitating the horror of it all. I hope this becomes true for you as well. It was brave of you to write it down and at least here you are heard and taken seriously. Those who have never experienced the violence of one's body, spirit and soul cannot even imagine what a living hell it is in the aftermath. More blessings to you missophelia :butterfly:
Mar 14 2010 11:29 AM

Thank you for your kind words.

I am finding that it really does help to write things down. It just seems to help me make sense of what I'm feeling, and it helps take some of the horror of it away a little.

And it is nice to be here. Being heard and taken seriously helps a great deal. We all understand each other, and that means a lot.

take gentle care, and blessings to you too

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    Blog Warning

    This is a blog of my feelings, my emotions, my joys, my sorrows, my thoughts, my struggles as I heal. All raw and real. I am not censoring my blog, so please take gentle care of you.

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