Stuff Running Through My Mind
We got good news. It looks like A finally got a job.
She's undecided about what she wants to do with her life. I can't blame her--at 18 I had no real idea what I wanted to do with my life. So, she's been looking for a job. It's really tough out there, trying to find work. But she had an interview, and she's supposed to get a call for orientation. We're happy.
I know it helped her self esteem a bit.
She's still in therapy, which is good. At one point she said she didn't have anything to talk about. Now she's talking with her therapist about a few different things. I'm glad she decided to stick with it.
I didn't sleep well last night. I kind of drifted in and out, and at one point I had a short dream. Kind of a short version of the nightmare I had the other night, but with none of the intensity. I'm still trying to get the images of that nightmare out of my mind. I know I need to talk to Dr H about it.
It really scared me.
I took it easy today, and tried not to dwell on the anger that I'm still feeling. Thankfully it's not as strong as it was. I know I'm going to have to talk about it with Dr H. If I don't, it will just build again.
I wish I could handle it better. I don't know what it is about that emotion, but I feel so powerless to deal with it. It's almost crippling.
Anyway, I think I've made a decision. I think I've come to this point, and I have to do it. Now I just need to get the nerve up. I really think I need to tell Dr H, face to face, about the rapes.
I know that part of the anger I've been feeling is toward him. Then there's the part I feel toward D. But somehow I think my problem is dealing with my anger toward him. And I think the only way I'm going to be able to deal with my anger toward him is to work on the rapes with Dr H. Everything about them. What happened, my emotions, how I handled it at the time, what I'd like to do to him, how it felt. Just everything. Then I think I might be able to get past my anger for him.
I might write down the nightmare I had the other night. It's so different than any other nightmare I've had. Maybe it would help me understand it better if I get it down in words I can read. Writing about other stuff here helps me understand better. I just really need to get past that scared feeling it left me with.
I wrapped a couple of EBay things and mailed them out, but only what I felt I could handle. And it's funny. After all that that I went through, D hasn't said anything about me only mailing a couple of things. He made it seem so friggin important that I get all of it in the mail at once, and now he isn't saying anything?
Sometimes, where he is concerned, I think I'll lose my mind.
I just have this awful feeling that being here in the same house with him is not helping my healing at all. Like it's being delayed, or like I'm just adding more stuff that I'll have to work through later. In some ways I don't feel like I'm making progress. Because I'm not happy here. Honestly, I'm pretty miserable here.
I almost had myself a good cry. But, dammit, I can't just let myself go.
It's so frustrating.
Anyway, I'm hoping I'll sleep better tonight, and I'm hoping tomorrow will be just a little better than today.
Because I think that where there is hope, there is room for healing.