Today I feel a little better.
I've never been good with anger. For so many years, every time I became angry, I stuffed it. I wouldn't allow myself to feel it. I couldn't feel it. When I was a child, I wasn't allowed to express such emotions. If I did, there was something "wrong" with me. So, over the years, I learned to suppress it.
After I was raped, I stuffed that anger too. I wanted to claw his eyes out, and I imagined all sorts of things I could do to him. I was so angry. He had no right to do what he did to me. He hurt me so badly. I wanted him dead.
But my feelings were short lived.
My anger scared me so much that I stuffed it. I stuffed every emotion I had about the rapes. It was the only way I could hide what had happened. It also seemed to be a way I could protect myself from all of the hurt I was feeling, if that makes any sense. But the anger I stuffed came out in other ways.
Over the years, my stuffed anger has turned to rage. My rage is terrifying. One time I tore a room apart, because it was messy, and that's what set me off. But I know my rage wasn't really about the mess.
I did that in front of my daughter, when she was 4 years old. She didn't deserve to be subjected to that. And to make it worse, after the rage passed, I sat on the floor in front of her sobbing, asking her to forgive me, telling her I was sorry, then holding her tightly.
I was a complete mess.
I can't imagine what went through her mind. I'm sure she was confused, to say the least. I know I scared her. I still feel awful, horrible gut-wrenching guilt for that.
There have been a few other times over the years where my rage has taken over. What makes it so scary?
I lose total control. I don't think. I can't think. All I can feel is all of that built up anger, and intense anxiety. I feel like I'm erupting. And once it starts to come out, I can't stop it.
Lately I've been doing ok handling the anger I feel for D. It's all new to me, trying to feel it, trying to handle it. I thought I had a good handle on it. But last night I realized I don't.
D put some stuff on EBay, and 14 of his items sold. That's great, for him. It's his business. But last night he told me to wrap everything and mail it out. He wanted it all done today, and mailed out by this afternoon. I immediately became overwhelmed. It was way too much for me, and I tried to tell him that. His answer? Just get to work on it. Then he went out.
I lost it. I melted down. My anxiety level went through the roof in about 2 minutes, along with my anger at him. So, I lost it. My bedroom is still a total mess. I also opened my bedroom window and started throwing things outside. I have lots of things broken. The neighbors probably think I'm absolutely crazy. I don't know what I said, but I was screaming things.
You would think it would make me feel better. It didn't.
Luckily, A was out with friends. I never want to subject her to me losing it again.
After I was done, I shoved everything off my bed, and passed out. Then I had a horrible nightmare. It was so horrible, I don't even want to write anything about it here. I've been trying all day to get the images from it out of my mind. But I can't.
I know I've made progress. I'm doing better, and I am healing, but I just can't get away from him. I know I never will, and I know I have to learn how to deal with my nightmares when I have them. I have to deal with HIM for the rest of my life.
I guess I also need to deal with the anger I feel for him, before it destroys me.
Surprisingly, my anger is gone for now. But when I woke up from my nightmare, my anxiety was still there. So I've been dealing with that and a massive headache all day long. I've been able to distract myself a little through out the day. I've also wrapped a few of the EBay things, and managed to mail them out. I decided I wasn't going to stress about it, just do what I can manage to do. If D doesn't like that, he'll have to do the rest himself.
I really tried to talk to him about it, to try and get him to see my reasoning about why I couldn't get it all done today. But it's just so frustrating, because he just walks away. He won't go to counseling, and he won't talk to me. Dr H can't understand why he acts like he does. But she agrees that I shouldn't have to put up with that kind of treatment.
I know what I'm going to have to do, because I can't live the rest of my life like this. I thought we could make a go of it and save our marriage. I really thought D would be a support for me. I thought I could count on him. I have no one else in RL that can be a support. Now I know I'll never get support from him.
My biggest problem with leaving is that I can't really go anywhere until my bankruptcy has been discharged. And I'm waiting for approval from the insurance to get all of my dental work done and get dentures. I'm going to be out of commission for a while after they pull what teeth I have left. So for now I'm stuck.
I just feel drained right now. My head still hurts, but my anxiety is mostly gone. I'm trying not to be too hard on myself for all of this. I'm really trying to give myself a break. I know healing is hard, and I still have lots of work to do. I also know I'm going to have times like last night.
But last night was really rough, and it all just hurts.