I'm finding the need to speak up for myself more now. I don't want to let people walk all over me, or talk to me like I'm a little child. I want to feel like I have control in my life. I don't want that awful feeling anymore.
I also feel like I need to tell Dr H my story. Even though I've told it here, it still scares me to think about doing it face to face. But I feel like I'm needing to get past that, and just let it out.
I feel like the time has come to make a change in my life. I think that fear and lack of self-confidence have kept me from doing that for way too long. God, that makes me sound like a wimp.
I've reread my story a few times now, mostly the parts pertaining to the man in the Navy who raped me. I know I'm trying to look back at that without getting so overwhelmed, without having such intense panic, without being unable to function. I want to have at least a little confidence when I tell my story to Dr H.
I don't want to fall apart and become a total and complete mess.
Every time I read about what he did to me, it more than pisses me off. I imagine all the things I'd love to do to him if I had the chance. I know I'm changing, because I can feel the anger. It's there. It's real. And it hasn't festered into rage.
That's huge for me.
My anger at D is also there. In the past, I've denied it, stuffed it. No surprise. But more than that, I convinced myself to settle as far as he's concerned. I never should have.
But there's that part of me that remembers how miserable I was when my parents went through their divorce. I didn't want A to go through that.
I can't deny my anger at D any more. I don't want to just let it go, and accept his behavior. The way he acted about the dishes the other day is unacceptable. It's also just an example of what I've put up with from him over the years.
I'm tired of it.
I'm changing. I can really feel it. And I know it's got to do with the healing I'm going through. I didn't know that healing can be scary, and empowering, all at the same time.
I feel like a different person. I don't feel like the person I was a year ago, or even 6 months ago. That scares me a little, because in some ways I feel like a stranger to myself.
I'm finding healing, and changing, hard. I feel like I don't know what's going to happen in my life anymore. I don't know if I'm ready for change, but I don't think I can stay where I am anymore.
And I think part of that has to do with my self-esteem.
I want better than I have now. I want to get past what he did to me when he raped me, and put that in perspective. I know it will always be there, a part of my past and who I am. But I want to really feel like a survivor.
I think that's because I'm finally finding self-worth in myself. It's a struggle sometimes. My old feelings and ways of thinking are still there. But now I am finding that I can challenge them. I still want to call myself stupid, or dirty sometimes, but I try to catch myself before I go to far.
I keep thinking about my desire to live alone. I think I'd rather be alone then to be in the relationship I'm in. It almost makes me want to cry. It feels strange to me. It feels scary. But in some ways, it feels right for me.
It's funny, because when D first told me he wanted out of our marriage, I fought to keep him. Now I'm not so sure I want that.
I'm a little scared of the feelings I'm having. I don't know where my healing will lead me. But at the same time I'm not scared. I don't know what it is, but there's another feeling there. I haven't identified it yet, but it has no fear in it at all.
I think about failing, whatever choice I make. That scares me. But it scares me to stay where I am, because I'm afraid that if I don't make any changes I think I'll regret it down the road.
I don't want to go back to where I was, and I don't want to stay where I am. So
I'm changing. And I think that's progress.