I'm supposed to desensitize myself to men in uniform. I'm suppose to get to the point where I don't have a panic attack when I see a cop, or other man in uniform.
Female cops or women in uniform don't bother me at all. Just men.
My psychiatrist, Dr B, says that one day he would like to see me be able to walk up to a cop and tap him on the shoulder. Then ask him a question. Of course, with his humor, he gave examples such as, where did you get that uniform, or are you giving me a ticket.
Several months ago I tried it for the first time. I googled men in uniform. Then I went into images.
Of course, the first images that popped up were porn-type men in uniform. Wonderful.
Then I found the images of military men, cops, sheriffs, state police. I closed the browser, because I couldn't deal with it. I thought I was going to pass out. It took me a while before I could try it again.
I haven't had much luck. Before tonight I've only tried a couple of times. I didn't get any further either of those times then I did the first time. Tonight I've been trying again.
I feel like I'm torturing myself. I feel like this is all unnecessary. I feel like I'm throwing myself into a panic just to try and prove something to myself. Like all of a sudden I'm this big, tough survivor who can handle anything, who can face up to any body, even if he is wearing a uniform.
Well, I can't.
I'm not tough. I'm not some big, self-assured, confident survivor who feels like she can walk through life staring down any man in uniform. That's just not who I am.
Don't get me wrong. I understand what Dr H and Dr B are trying to tell me. I have to get to the point where I can be confronted by a cop without falling to pieces. I have to get so used to a man in uniform, that I can pass him by and not even give it a second thought.
I don't want to.
I want to surrender. It feels like too much work, like this huge, steep mountain I have to climb.
I've been working on it for a little while tonight. I actually got somewhere. That is, until the last image I clicked on to.
This cop, holding a billy club in his hand, looking very intimidating. Dark sunglasses, looking like he's advancing on me. I got through several images until I got to that one.
I had to stop.
I don't know if I've made progress. It sure feels like I've gone nowhere. Right now I'm a mass of nerves and anxiety. And I can't get that image out of my head.
I just wish it were easier. That healing was something I could just snap my fingers and automatically have--healing. But I know that's not how it goes. It just pisses me off, because I know he's not worried about healing.
He's not having nightmares, or flashbacks, or such horrible fear when he sees a cop. He hasn't gone through any one of all of the things I've gone through.
It's not fair, and it bites.
I'd love to give up, but I can't afford to go back to where I was before I started seeing Dr H. And I just know that if I don't work hard at it, I will end up back there eventually. I just refuse to give up.
I guess I'll take another stab at it tomorrow.