The First Time It Happened
One day I walked on to the watch floor where I worked, and there he was.
When I first saw him, I tried to find somewhere to hide. Thatís all I wanted to do. It had been a couple of years, but I never forgot the way he talked to me, or what he called me.
There was no where to go, and he spotted me. Our eyes locked for a moment. He had this smile on his face as he stared at me. He continued staring at me the whole time he was there. That day he left work before me. But he worked plenty of shifts that I did, even some weekends. I dreaded any of the days I had to see him.
Every time he was there when I was working he stared at me. He gave me the creeps. He made me feel so uncomfortable. I wanted to crawl away from him, to some dark corner and hide. But I had to put up with it. There was no one I could go to. Nobody knew how heíd treated me, and no one would believe it.
Then that night happened. I had security rounds like usual. My last stop that night would be the gym. The gym was always open, around the clock. Most of the time no one was in there after 8pm.
I had started my 10pm rounds early, so I wasnít in any big hurry. As I approached the gym, he came through the door. Suddenly he was standing in front of me.
I tensed up, but I managed to say, good evening, chief. He let me walk past him. Then he told me to stop. He told me to turn around. My heart started racing a little, but I turned and faced him. Then he got close to me. He said that heíd been watching me.
I didnít say anything. I didnít know what to say. My heart raced faster. He told me to stand at attention when he was talking to me. I did.
He stared at me, and then he said, still a slut, arenít you. I didnít know what to say, but I managed to say, no, chief. The rest happened really fast.
He knocked me down. I tried to get up, but his feet were in front of me. I was so scared. Then he grabbed my hair hard and pulled me onto my knees. I pushed at his legs, and said, donít. He put his other hand around my neck and told me not to be stupid. He pulled his sweats down. Then he yanked my hair and squeezed my throat a little. Then he raped me orally.
While he raped me he kept calling me a dirty slut. He laughed and made a joke about me on my knees in the dirt, sucking him. And how much I loved his taste. And how filthy I was for blowing him. He finished, and let go of my hair.
I didn't move. I was too terrified. He pulled his pants back up. I knew he was staring at me, but I couldn't look at him. Then he told me to get up. I stood up. I wanted to be sick. He told me to wipe my face off, because I looked disgusting.
My hands were shaking terribly, but I wiped my face as I stared at the ground. Then he stood really close to me. He told me that if I said anything, no one would believe me. He said I was the one with the record. I knew what he meant. He told me he'd make my life hell if I talked, and that he'd ruin my career. Then he slapped my behind and told me I better get back to work. He left me standing there.
I was numb. I turned and walked toward the gym. I finished my rounds. I went back to the watch floor. The watch officer questioned me about taking so long, and the first words that came out of my mouth were that I had gotten sick behind the gym. She bought it.
My shift was just about over. I did the usual, then I went home. The whole time I felt nothing. D was passed out. I brushed my teeth, changed from my uniform and brushed my teeth again. I brushed them every 10 minutes all night that night.
I didnít sleep. I just kept thinking what a slut I was, and how dirty and disgusting I was. The rape kept playing in my mind, over and over. So did his words. But I had no feeling, no tears, nothing. I was convinced I was what he said I was.
Thatís all I can write right now.