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I Have Decided

Posted by missophelia , 14 February 2010 · 16 views

I've been doing some more thinking today, but not like I did the other day. That day I ended up with horrible anxiety.

I've made a decision.

I'm going to tell my story. I'll tell it here. And I will work up the courage to tell it face to face to Dr H.

I realized something today.

If I tell my story, I think it will give me strength. Some kind of inner strength.

I think that if I can start with what happened in my childhood, it will help me prepare for telling the part of my story that is the most difficult for me. The part that causes me the most pain, more pain than I ever wanted to have to deal with in my life.

I feel like telling the most difficult part of my story will help me get back something that he took from me. Nothing tangible, but something, even if it's a small something. It will be like standing up against him, and knocking him down. Defeating him in some way.

Saying to him--no, you can't take any more from me and I won't let you, and no, I won't let you own my life anymore.

I have come to the decision that telling that most difficult part of my story will make me feel better in a big way.

Maybe telling will help me gain the confidence that I haven't had for YEARS. I think it may just empower me. And right now, I need that in a big way.

That's not to say that I don't still have some kind of great fear of writing or speaking the words necessary to tell my story. But I have to overcome that fear at some point.

And I'm just tired of letting that fear rule my life.

So, I've decided. Wish me luck.

On another note, I slipped out of the house early this morning, and got D a nice valentine's card.

I have been secretly hoping that things would take a turn for the better for us, and I felt really bad yesterday that I hadn't gotten him something in the first place. So, I was eager to return the affection he showed me. Luckily he wasn't up, so he didn't know that I didn't already have it.

And we even shared a quick kiss. :wub:

Surprisingly, the kiss was OK. :)

I think that is a wonderful idea. I was actually thinking that, but was not sure if I should suggest it, that you tell your story here first. I know for me it was very powerful and helpful and safe. And we are all listening and supporting and not judging. No one here is going to say the bad stuff.

You are very strong and brave for telling it, I know it takes a lot.

I am wondering if you can bring what you write to your therapist.
Feb 14 2010 10:29 PM
Thank you, chelirach.

I do feel safe here, and that's why I want to start here. And I'm hoping that by telling my story I feel even stronger and braver than I do now. And I thank you and everyone else who takes the time to listen to me and support me. It means such a great deal to me.

I think I can bring what I write to Dr H. I took her one of my blog entries last week and let her read it. She was very receptive and supportive of what I'd written.

Maybe she is the one I dreamed about, when I was going to tell my mother. Maybe she is that comforting figure in my life. Maybe my mind and my dream was trying to tell me something.
It's very brave of you and it'll be cathartic for you to release your story. When it's trapped inside, it only wants to get out and whatever happens after that you'll have one less baggage to carry around.

I hope your feel lighter from unloading your story.
Feb 15 2010 05:09 PM

Thank you for the encouragement. It's going to be hard for me, so I guess I have no other option but to be brave.

But I will do it. I am determined.

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