I Have Decided
I've made a decision.
I'm going to tell my story. I'll tell it here. And I will work up the courage to tell it face to face to Dr H.
I realized something today.
If I tell my story, I think it will give me strength. Some kind of inner strength.
I think that if I can start with what happened in my childhood, it will help me prepare for telling the part of my story that is the most difficult for me. The part that causes me the most pain, more pain than I ever wanted to have to deal with in my life.
I feel like telling the most difficult part of my story will help me get back something that he took from me. Nothing tangible, but something, even if it's a small something. It will be like standing up against him, and knocking him down. Defeating him in some way.
Saying to him--no, you can't take any more from me and I won't let you, and no, I won't let you own my life anymore.
I have come to the decision that telling that most difficult part of my story will make me feel better in a big way.
Maybe telling will help me gain the confidence that I haven't had for YEARS. I think it may just empower me. And right now, I need that in a big way.
That's not to say that I don't still have some kind of great fear of writing or speaking the words necessary to tell my story. But I have to overcome that fear at some point.
And I'm just tired of letting that fear rule my life.
So, I've decided. Wish me luck.
On another note, I slipped out of the house early this morning, and got D a nice valentine's card.
I have been secretly hoping that things would take a turn for the better for us, and I felt really bad yesterday that I hadn't gotten him something in the first place. So, I was eager to return the affection he showed me. Luckily he wasn't up, so he didn't know that I didn't already have it.
And we even shared a quick kiss.
Surprisingly, the kiss was OK.