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Posted by missophelia , 13 February 2010 · 23 views

Today's been a little better. I've been feeling a little less out of sorts, a little more comfortable with myself.

Didn't do much but sleep most of the day. It would help if I got some sleep at night, like "normal" people do. But it's been a long time since that's happened.

I'd love to move on from my nightmares, and have them be a closed chapter in my life. But I don't think that will ever happen.

I would think that by now I'd be used to them, and they wouldn't shake me so. I suppose if they weren't so realistic it would help.

I've been thinking about ways I can better handle my emotions when I wake up from one of my nightmares. I feel like I'm on auto-pilot. My mind just reacts the way it does. It would help if I could wake up and feel safe instead of being so freaked out, so insanely anxious and unsafe. So, I'm working on that, but it's going really slow.

Anyway, in all the time I've been with D, and even before that, I've never gotten a valentine from him or anyone I've been in a relationship with. D always said he didn't go for valentine's day, because it was just a way for businesses to make money. Over the years, I've grown to accept that, and not expect or look forward to receiving anything.

So, now I wonder what's going on. D came home from work tonight and brought me a rose and some candy. No kiss, or anything like that. It's been a long time since we've been intimate, even on the kissing level. He did say happy valentine's day, though.

The rose is beautiful. I put it in a vase with some water, and admired it. I know I smiled. I should be happy, overjoyed, and feel good about it. But then my mind started thinking.

I wonder what D wants. I know that's terrible for me to think of him in that way. I feel twisted. But I can't help thinking there's some kind of "string" attached. That he wants sex.

Which I am nowhere near ready to give. I can't even stand to be touched.

I feel horrible for thinking that way. For putting D under a cloud of suspicion, and not being able to trust him. He hasn't made any kind of gesture or anything that would suggest he wants anything as far as sex is concerned. In fact, he's watching TV in another part of the house right now. He has to work in the morning, so he'll go to bed early tonight.

I just wish my mind wasn't so warped and untrusting. I really wish I could think differently, not only about D, but about most things.

And I wish I'd gotten him a card.

Feb 14 2010 12:14 PM
You musn't spend your time thinking that you need to think differently because that is never going to happen. How you think and feel is what define you as a person. Don't feel guilty for it. Just accept it.
If this guy knows you..he'll understand without you having to say anything and will just be there to hold your hand when you need it which is all it sounds like you are ready for at the moment. Give yourself time.
Feb 14 2010 05:39 PM

I've been with D for 21 years. Things have been very strained with us, but we are trying to work through them. I suppose it would help if he knew I'd been raped, but he doesn't.

I think, though, that he senses something is wrong with me, and he keeps his distance. I don't know, maybe he's afraid to get too close to me. He knows I have issues. Maybe he knows more than he's let on.

Over time...well, we'll see what happens.

Blog Warning

This is a blog of my thoughts, my feelings, my happiness, my pain, my joy, my sorrow, all raw and real. I am not censoring my blog, so please take gentle care of your self.

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    Blog Warning

    This is a blog of my feelings, my emotions, my joys, my sorrows, my thoughts, my struggles as I heal. All raw and real. I am not censoring my blog, so please take gentle care of you.

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