out of sorts
I'm out of sorts. Very uncomfortable with myself right now. Very uncomfortable with everything around me. I've been like this all day.
I hate my life. I'm so unsatisfied. Nothing in my life is what I want it to be. I feel like my life has no meaning, and it's useless to try and change it.
I hate where I am. I hate the house I live in. I hate my car.
I hate my clothing. I hate the way I put my makeup on. I hate all of the STUFF I own.
I hate my body. I hate eating. I hate sleeping.
I hate watching TV. I hate listening to the radio.
And there's absolutely nothing I can do but wait for the feeling to pass. It makes me feel so restless, so helpless, and nothing helps. I try turning the TV off. That doesn't help. I try going for a ride. That doesn't help.
It's frustrating the hell out of me.
I sat for about an hour in front of the board I primed, just staring at it. Waiting for something to come to me to paint. Nothing. Dr H suggested expressing my anger through my art. If I did that right now, I would just paint the board all black.
So, I finally gave up and asked myself, what's the use.
I'm hungry, but nothing I have in the house looks anywhere near appealing, and there is nothing I want to go to the store to buy. Nothing sounds good. So, I just won't eat. I am managing to drink some tea, but that's it. That doesn't even taste good. But at least it fills my stomach.
I just hate where I am right now.
I know this feeling will pass, but waiting and riding it out is hell.