Thinking Too Much
I didn't sleep well last night. My stomach hurt badly, and I was restless. Couldn't seem to calm myself down. Part of me didn't want to dream, so I fought sleep. Eventually I fell asleep, but I was up pretty early this morning. Luckily I'm used to operating on little sleep, but I know that's not the healthiest for me.
I've been thinking about telling someone my story. Ever since the dream I had two nights ago, it's been on my mind. I think there's a part of me that really wants to. That needs to. But there's an even bigger part of me that is scared.
So, anyway, all morning I thought about it. I tossed it back and forth in my mind. I imagined what I would say, and how it would go once I started talking. Back and forth--yes, I want to--no I'm afraid to.
I shouldn't be so afraid. But that's how I feel. I feel ill whenever I think about telling someone, like I'm going to be sick to my stomach. Like I'm going to pass out. Then I get scared. I end up feeling like a wimp. But I don't want to go down that road again and end up putting myself down.
So, after spending all morning thinking and thinking, I ended up extremely anxious. I've spent most of the day a nervous wreck. Panic, and heart beating really fast, feeling like I was going to pass out. Nothing productive came from me thinking that much.
Luckily, I've been able to decrease my anxiety some. I stopped thinking about it. I took a nice hot bath, and had some herbal tea. Those things seem to help a little. I also spent some time priming a board to start a new painting.
It's still in my mind though, and I feel slightly obsessed. There's just this feeling inside of me that says it's time to tell at least part of my story. This feeling that if I can tell my story it will be like standing up against him and fighting back, and knocking him down. Defeating him. Getting back something that he took from me. Making me strong.
But, there's also that awful hesitation and fear that I'm trying to deal with.
I guess for the rest of the night I'll try not to think about it much at all. And I think I should relax anyway, because when I'm finally really ready, I'm pretty sure I'll know it.