Trying to Handle
Roxy is back to normal, acting like herself, happy and feisty. Makes me happy.
I went to the store earlier. It was crowded, more so than usual. Then I stopped at a convenience store to get gas. On my way out, I passed a cop going in.
I managed to make it back to my car just before I had a terrible panic attack. I don't know why I even tried to drive home. I should've known better. I ended up on the side of the road, sitting there trying to calm myself down. My heart was pounding. I thought I was going to throw up and pass out.
Grounding didn't help, and it was really hard for me to slow down my breathing. I kept telling myself I was safe, but I felt helpless, and kind of stupid for just sitting there like that.
Then I tried to remind myself not to put myself down. I told myself that it wasn't my fault I was having the panic attack in the first place.
It kind of helped. Eventually I made it home.
I was OK for a little while, but then I started having flashbacks. I've been having bad memories, body memories, and I can't stop thinking about him. It's like my mind just keeps replaying, over and over, what happened. The things he said to me, the things he did. How he hurt me. How I tried to fight him off. How I eventually gave up fighting, and then had to listen to the things he said to me.
It made me feel disgusted. I keep telling myself not to be disgusted with myself, because none of it was my fault.
That doesn't help much with the memories, though.
I just hope I'll be able to sleep tonight. It's hard enough for me to sleep anyway, but I find it harder after I've been having flashbacks. Those are the nights I have my really bad nightmares.
I am trying, really hard, to remain positive right now. I think that if I keep trying, I will be able to find positives, and maybe they will take over the bad things in my day and make them seem less bad. I don't know if that even makes sense. It's just how I feel, and I figure I owe it to myself to try.