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What I Deserve

Posted by missophelia , 31 January 2010 · 27 views

I've been doing a lot of thinking this week. I've also been saying those words to myself, as many times a day as I can. And it's made me realize something.

From day one, practically, Dr H told me that I'm too hard on myself. That I don't treat myself the way I treat others. That I don't give myself enough respect or gentle care. That I focus my blame and anger on myself, instead of where it should be placed.

Today I realized, I think for the first time, that Dr H is probably right.

I don't treat myself well. I am too hard on myself, and I blame myself for being raped.
I don't respect myself, or treat myself well physically. My diet is absolutely horrible. I either don't eat, or I eat a lot of junk. I don't think I've had a really good meal, nutritionally, in at least a couple of months.
And I started smoking again, which I know I use as just one way to mistreat my body. I can rationalize that with--it's because of all the stress I'm going through--but that's just BS. I know how bad it is for me. I really should quit again.

I don't know, maybe treating myself well is something I need to learn to do. But I have learned something this week.

I'm angry.

Not the rage I usually feel when my anger has built up. Just a steady feeling of anger throughout my body and mind.

I don't know why I should blame myself for being raped, because it doesn't make any sense. I can't remember wanting him to rape me, or doing anything that would make me deserve it. And feeling dirty, well, I still struggle to deal with the things he did and said, and how dirty they made me feel. But feeling such shame--Dr H says he is the one who should feel shameful for what he did.

I'm still getting used to being able to believe those words, to believe in my heart that it wasn't my fault, that I didn't want or deserve it, and that I'm not dirty. But I think that I'm a little closer to being able to grasp those things in my heart, and really feel that they are true.

Does that mean that I'll never point the blame at myself again, or feel shame, or anger at myself? I don't know. I would hope that when I start thinking those things again, I'll be able to stop myself, and keep convincing myself that I need to treat myself well, that I'm worthy.

I guess I feel I deserve more than I have ever given myself.

It isn't my fault. I didn't want it. I didn't deserve it. I am not dirty.

What more can I say.

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I just had this same realization a week or so ago. My counselor told me it was okay to be angry, and if I placed the anger at myself for awhile, it was okay... because it was what I had/have to do to keep some sort of control. Once we learn to place the blame on our abusers, it's out of your hands... and that can be very intimidating and scary.


Kudos to you :)

Feb 01 2010 06:07 PM

I know, it is a little scary. For me, instead of blaming my rapist, I have always blamed myself, and treated myself so horribly, in so many ways. Dr H (bless her soul) has been working hard with me to get me to stop being so mean to myself.

Thanks for the kudos, and

kudos to you too :)

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This is a blog of my thoughts, my feelings, my happiness, my pain, my joy, my sorrow, all raw and real. I am not censoring my blog, so please take gentle care of your self.

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    This is a blog of my feelings, my emotions, my joys, my sorrows, my thoughts, my struggles as I heal. All raw and real. I am not censoring my blog, so please take gentle care of you.

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