What I Deserve
From day one, practically, Dr H told me that I'm too hard on myself. That I don't treat myself the way I treat others. That I don't give myself enough respect or gentle care. That I focus my blame and anger on myself, instead of where it should be placed.
Today I realized, I think for the first time, that Dr H is probably right.
I don't treat myself well. I am too hard on myself, and I blame myself for being raped.
I don't respect myself, or treat myself well physically. My diet is absolutely horrible. I either don't eat, or I eat a lot of junk. I don't think I've had a really good meal, nutritionally, in at least a couple of months.
And I started smoking again, which I know I use as just one way to mistreat my body. I can rationalize that with--it's because of all the stress I'm going through--but that's just BS. I know how bad it is for me. I really should quit again.
I don't know, maybe treating myself well is something I need to learn to do. But I have learned something this week.
Not the rage I usually feel when my anger has built up. Just a steady feeling of anger throughout my body and mind.
I don't know why I should blame myself for being raped, because it doesn't make any sense. I can't remember wanting him to rape me, or doing anything that would make me deserve it. And feeling dirty, well, I still struggle to deal with the things he did and said, and how dirty they made me feel. But feeling such shame--Dr H says he is the one who should feel shameful for what he did.
I'm still getting used to being able to believe those words, to believe in my heart that it wasn't my fault, that I didn't want or deserve it, and that I'm not dirty. But I think that I'm a little closer to being able to grasp those things in my heart, and really feel that they are true.
Does that mean that I'll never point the blame at myself again, or feel shame, or anger at myself? I don't know. I would hope that when I start thinking those things again, I'll be able to stop myself, and keep convincing myself that I need to treat myself well, that I'm worthy.
I guess I feel I deserve more than I have ever given myself.
It isn't my fault. I didn't want it. I didn't deserve it. I am not dirty.
What more can I say.