Therapy is going good, for the most part. There's a lot in my life that I've been able to talk through with Dr H. Not everything has been resolved, but I am doing more talking about things than I ever have. I've been able to open up to Dr H. Must mean that I trust her, when I find it VERY hard to trust anyone else.
How come, then, every time I think about talking about being raped, about telling her, I feel like I'm going to throw up. Just thinking about telling ANYONE any of that makes me feel like I'm going to pass out. I should be able to do it. I keep telling myself that.
I just feel like it's a huge obstacle to overcome, and I don't know how I'm going to handle it. But maybe if I can handle it, and talk about what happened, it will help me. Maybe I will start to feel a little better.
Maybe I'm being too hard on myself, expecting too much. I don't know if there's a time limit on being able to talk about being raped. Maybe I'm afraid of losing control of myself. Maybe I'm afraid I'll make myself vulnerable. Maybe speaking it out loud will just reinforce how dirty I feel, how disgusted I am with myself sometimes.