Jump to content



Posted by missophelia , 24 January 2010 · 53 views

When I was a young girl I spent one afternoon picking blueberries. I don't have many memories of my childhood, but I clearly remember that summer day.

The sun was shining, there was no breeze, and it was warm, not overbearingly hot. Most of the berry bushes were in the shade, but somehow I still felt the warmth from the sun. Birds were chirping, and grasshoppers hopped around my body.

The bushes were a short walk from our summer camp, along the water's edge, and I remember my sneakers getting wet as I walked and splashed my way to the bushes. I carried a small basket to collect the berries in, but most of them ended up in my stomach instead.

I was happy. One of only a few times in my childhood that I remember being truly happy. No worries, nothing to be fearful of, no pain or sadness. It was truly a good time in my life.

That day has been my focus today. I had a horrible nightmare last night, and struggled to even get out of bed this morning. I wanted to curl in a ball, cover myself, and pretend I didn't exist. Because, if anxiety, and flashbacks, and nightmares, and memories, is what existence is for me, then I think I'd rather pass on the whole existence thing.

Sometime, a short time after I managed to get up, I searched my past for some day, some moment, when I was happy. The day I picked blueberries came to me after much thinking. And after thinking back, and remembering that day, I was able to smile.

A smile is huge for me these days.

So, I'm hoping that if I can keep remembering that day and how I felt throughout tonight, that maybe I'll sleep better.

Hope is also huge for me, but tonight I will cling to it.

Blog Warning

This is a blog of my thoughts, my feelings, my happiness, my pain, my joy, my sorrow, all raw and real. I am not censoring my blog, so please take gentle care of your self.

June 2016

26272829 30   

Recent Entries

Recent Comments


    7 user(s) viewing

    0 members, 7 guests, 0 anonymous users

    Blog Warning

    This is a blog of my feelings, my emotions, my joys, my sorrows, my thoughts, my struggles as I heal. All raw and real. I am not censoring my blog, so please take gentle care of you.

    7 user(s) viewing

    0 members, 7 guests, 0 anonymous users

    Pandora's Aquarium, Inc. is not intended to be a substitute for professional assistance. All members and visitors are encouraged to establish a relationship with a trained counselor, therapist, or psychiatrist. Pandora's Aquarium, Inc. offers rape and sexual abuse survivor-to-survivor support only. Despite any qualifications staff or members possess, they are not engaged in a professional relationship with any other member. Survivors in crisis are urged to seek local help by contacting 911 or their local rape crisis center. Use of this website constitutes acceptance of the Terms of Service located here.