The sun was shining, there was no breeze, and it was warm, not overbearingly hot. Most of the berry bushes were in the shade, but somehow I still felt the warmth from the sun. Birds were chirping, and grasshoppers hopped around my body.
The bushes were a short walk from our summer camp, along the water's edge, and I remember my sneakers getting wet as I walked and splashed my way to the bushes. I carried a small basket to collect the berries in, but most of them ended up in my stomach instead.
I was happy. One of only a few times in my childhood that I remember being truly happy. No worries, nothing to be fearful of, no pain or sadness. It was truly a good time in my life.
That day has been my focus today. I had a horrible nightmare last night, and struggled to even get out of bed this morning. I wanted to curl in a ball, cover myself, and pretend I didn't exist. Because, if anxiety, and flashbacks, and nightmares, and memories, is what existence is for me, then I think I'd rather pass on the whole existence thing.
Sometime, a short time after I managed to get up, I searched my past for some day, some moment, when I was happy. The day I picked blueberries came to me after much thinking. And after thinking back, and remembering that day, I was able to smile.
A smile is huge for me these days.
So, I'm hoping that if I can keep remembering that day and how I felt throughout tonight, that maybe I'll sleep better.
Hope is also huge for me, but tonight I will cling to it.