Here I Go Again
D is drinking again. Not as bad as when we were first married, at least according to him. But, bad enough for him to reek of booze when he does drink.
The other day I caught a whiff of him, and immediately had a panic attack. I started having flashbacks, and got away from D as quickly as I could.
Every night D used to smell of booze. Both nights that I came home after being attacked, he smelled. The other day, I felt just like I did on those nights.
I've talked to him about his drinking. I asked him if he was going to stop or not. Like I said, he claims he's not drinking like he used to. He also says he won't stop because it's not a problem.
I don't know if he would even understand how it makes me feel to smell him after he's been drinking. Not only that, but his staggered walk and slurred speech also bother me. It all brings up so many awful memories, so it is a problem for me.
I don't honestly know if I believe him. I also am torn about what to do. We are trying to work things out, but having panic attacks and flashbacks from being around him when he's been drinking is doing me no good. Not to mention the struggles I've been having to stay sober myself.
Sometimes I get so tired from struggling, and from trying so hard to work through all of this. Sometimes I just want to crawl into bed and never get out. Sometimes I just want to get drunk.
I don't know what I'm going to do.