Today, I've been dealing with some awful memories.
Dr H wants to help me learn how to deal with the memories. I don't deal well with them. I find it hard to get my mind focused on other things, on anything else.
Memories of the rapes throw me into absolute panic, and anxiety so bad that I want to crawl out of my skin. Something as simple as what someone says. Or, a cop in uniform.
On Tuesday, Dr H gave me a handout from the police on ways to fight off an attacker. The first few pages were all typewritten stuff to read. The last few pages were drawings of what I had just read. Two of the drawings showed breaking the hold of someone who has a grip on your hair. They were drawn pretty realistically.
I didn't look at the handout until last night, before I went to bed. I had a pretty bad nightmare last night, and woke up in a state of panic.
Both times I was attacked, my rapist grabbed my hair. I'll never forget how much that hurt. I'll never forget how terrified I was. Or the way he yanked my hair.
I'll probably talk to Dr H about it, but I don't want her to feel bad. She doesn't know many details, so she had no idea the drawings would get to me like they did. She was just trying to help me. I don't know.
I guess where I am tonight is just trying my best to deal with it all and keep it from overwhelming me.