Getting Over It
I had trouble falling asleep. Probably the fallout from all the emotional stress I've been through. I had trouble getting my body to relax. My mind, too. The last time I looked at the clock it was 3 this morning. I'm not even sure when I woke up, but it was still dark out.
I had a freaky bad nightmare. I'm not good at talking about them, and I'm not ready to write last night's here, because I really don't want to relive it.
When I woke up, I had that horrible smothering feeling. Then came the horrible feelings. I felt him breathing on my neck. I felt his fingers inside of me, hurting me badly. I felt like I had to get him off me. Nothing I did made it any better. I thought I was going to lose my mind.
Eventually they lessened and then stopped, but it was well after the sun came up.
Things have gotten a little bit better this evening, but I had some pretty bad flashbacks throughout the day. So, there went my day. I did manage to take a hot bath a little while ago, which helped me relax some. I'm hoping to get some real sleep tonight. Or at least a few decent hours.
Sometimes I wonder when, or if, I'll ever "get over it." I know there's no time limit on getting over it, but I sometimes feel so impatient with myself. I spent so many years burying all of my emotions, all of my feelings, and I know it will take time.
Still, sometimes I kick myself for not being "better." I guess I just hope that maybe I'll be able to manage everything better someday.
And, I guess I have to learn how to treat myself gently, and stop being so hard on myself. At least, that's what Dr H says.