Emotional Roller Coaster
I've been getting paperwork together for the lawyer for my bankruptcy. My financial affairs are sad. I hope to start clean and change all that. There may be hope for me.
D and I talked again. Last night he threatened to take his money that goes into our household, and keep it from me. All night, and most of today I have been panicky, because right now I'm not working. And he wasn't planning on spending any of his money on our bills. You know, like lights, heat, food, and all.
He got home from work, and I (nervously) confronted him about it. Like I said, I'm scared of men, even him. I know I shouldn't be afraid of him. We've been together 21 years. It's irrational if I think about it, but not really, considering what I've been through. I was also afraid that his response would confirm all my worries about money.
So, we talked. He's had a change of heart, after doing some thinking. Now he doesn't want to leave me. He wants to help me work through my money problems, and not give up on everything we have.
My first reaction--no thanks. It almost seems unfair to me that he can just change his mind so quickly, and be so OK with it, without thinking about how I feel. I don't need the ups and downs that I've been through this week. It's not doing me any good. I can't eat. It's not helping the fact that I already can't sleep. I've walked around most of the week like a basket case. I should take stock in Kleenex (lol).
As we talked, my second reaction--OK, maybe we can make this work. I tried to explain things to him, but I don't know if he "gets it". No one in his family has ever dealt with depression. No excuse, but the severe depression I was in helped to put me in the financial situation I'm in.
So, I guess I'm going to just try and take things one day at a time. Not expect too much, but try to be positive and work things out with him. I never wanted to lose what I have with him.
I did tell him that there is a reason why I'm in therapy that I can't talk to him about yet. Heck, I can't even talk about it with Dr H. He seemed OK with that, and maybe it's good that I said it. That way, maybe some day I can work the courage up to tell him I was raped, and have him be a support in my life, which I desperately need.
So, tonight I'm hoping to grow a little calmer. I just hate the ride.