Or it could be that maybe my body is reacting to the emotional roller coaster I've been on lately. Hmmm.
Anyway, my daughter, A, has been seeing a therapist for a few weeks now. I don't ever pry into what they discuss. She'll tell me if she wants to. I do believe that she has that right to privacy concerning whatever she's in therapy for.
So, she came to me today, holding a sheet her therapist gave her. A checklist of things that a partner would do in an abusive relationship. She had circled several items on the list.
News to me.
After I looked at the list she talked to me a little bit, and let me know who the guy was that did these things to her. Then she let me know that she had broken off her relationship with him after they had only been together a short amount of time (4 months).
The news sidelined me. At first, I didn't know what to say. Then it hit me, quickly. I was pissed. I felt panicky, because it brought up all sorts of memories. Bad ones. Of course, I wanted to hunt the guy down and do some serious harm to him. He hurt my daughter. How dare he. MONSTER.
But most of all, I didn't want to seem mad that she hadn't come to me. I wished she had, but she doesn't need to think that she was horribly wrong for not telling me. I didn't want her to feel guilty for that. After all, I know how hard it is to talk about being abused.
At the same time, I did want her to know how concerned I was. I wanted to let her know how sorry I am that she had to go through what she did, and the hurt it caused her. I also wanted her to know how proud I was of her for breaking away from him, and for seeking out a therapist.
As we talked, and I expressed my feelings, I really toyed with the idea of letting her know why I'm in therapy. I wanted to let her know that I understand how she must be feeling. But I didn't.
I'm not ready to tell ANYONE about being raped, and I don't know if I will ever tell her. I think it would be a heavy burden for her to bear, and I don't want to cause her any emotional pain. I know she would be extremely concerned and upset. So, I bit my tongue on that.
I did tell her I was proud of her for leaving him, AND for seeking therapy. And I expressed to her my willingness to listen if she ever needs or wants to talk to me about anything. For most of her life she has felt comfortable coming to me, but I think I can understand her not wanting to discuss this with me.
I can relate.
What I didn't tell her is how very upset this news made me. It's really getting to me, the more I think about it. It's bringing up some horrible memories. And I can certainly feel her pain. I hate that she has experienced that pain. I hate that she was treated so very horribly.
But most of all, I hate him.